First of all I should say that this post is more for me than anyone else. Feel free not to read it. It always helps me to clear my head when I write. Why, I wonder, do I let the unimportant things clutter my time, my thoughts and my life. In the heat of the moment I feel so justified in getting upset at the kids for any number of things that they do through out the day, over looking all the most amazing things that they do right and good. I stress about all the unfinished projects and chores, instead of looking at the things I did accomplish that day. I spend alot of time and energy trying to keep the house clean and the kids in order, telling myself that I will sit and relax, enjoy or just play as soon as.......... That time never comes. There is always one more dish to wash, one more load of laundry to start, one more bill to pay, one more phone call to return. My mind is filled with all the appointments that need to be remembered or the shirt that I need to return to one of the kids friends or the lesson that I need to plan for Sunday. All of these things are important and need to be done. I don't need to be told how to plan better or that I just need to relax. I need to find balance from within myself. I want to focus on the great things in my life. I have the most incredible husband, four of the BEST kids in the world, not perfect, but so amazing. I have a new baby coming very soon. I have everything that I could possibly want in life, a nice safe house, food, friends, a belief in something bigger and better than myself. For this in particular I will be forever grateful to my parents. If nothing else, they gave me a firm religious foundation from which I have built this beautiful life that I have. I wish to care less about what other people think about me and more about what my family thinks of me. I wish to find a balance in housekeeping and child raising. These two do not seem to want to go together very gracefully. I want to remember that I will not wish that my house had been cleaner when my kids are grown and gone. I want to absorb every minute I am going to have with this last most precious baby girl I am having and just let the world pass me by, realizing that I won't be missing much, but remember what I would be missing if I don't slow down. I wish I could maintain an eternal perspective more regularly. All the things I want, all the things I care about and worry about, 90% percent of the time have no bearing on where I want to go when my life is over. I hope that I will be able to say that I enjoyed something everyday, that my kids, family and friends knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I loved them, that I will have done some good in the sight of God. Life is too precious to just let pass me by. When I recall the best memories I have, they never involve the new couch I wanted, the sparkling clean bathroom, money, or the way I looked in front of other people. They are the walk Darren and I took in the snow as newly weds, talking about our lives, how many children we wanted, how great life was going to be. I remember the vacation we took to Disneyland and the best day of that trip being the day we spent running in the waves at the beach with the kids and writing in the sand with sticks. I remember the birth of each baby and how absolutely in love I was with them. The point of all of this is simply for me to realize how greatly I have been blessed in my life, to stop looking for and wanting more, when everything I could possibly ever want is right here in front of me. To stop caring about how I look to everyone else around me. That is not to say that it doesn't hurt sometimes, just that I will not let what others think define who I am. I wish to love my husband all the time, as much as I do right after we have a new baby, the closest I ever feel to him. I wish to love my children every minute, as much as I do when I go in at night to check on them when they are sleeping. I wish to treat others for who they are in God's eyes. I wish to serve those around me without feeling burdened and I wish to be better able to forgive myself when I fall short of the person I want to be, accepting my limitations and weaknesses and remember more clearly all the good things I do and all the fun times I have. Why are we so hard on ourselves? There are those moments in life when all these things I wish for seem easy enough, but it is in the hustle of everyday life that it is the hardest to find balance. Balance, that is what I wish for most. That is my true test in life.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
We went to the fair last weekend and had a great night, well most of the time. Tate loved seeing the animals until we got to the sheep. They were surprisingly loud and way to noisy for him. He was not to sure about the cotton candy either. His first experience. He didn't quite know what he was suppose to do with it. Of course as soon as he got a taste, he didn't object to more. The kids each picked a ride to go on, the girls went on the carousel and the boys on a motorbike ride. As Darren buckled the boys in for their turn Tate had a huge smile on his face, which quickly faded as he realized that dad was not staying to ride with then. My dad has '3 gikes' as Tate calls them, which he liked to sit on whenever we would go over to my parents house. He loved it until the day my dad started one up with Tate in the drivers seat. He still talks about papas bikes, but it is now followed by "no hop on it". Needless to say, I think he thought that these bikes were going to be loud as well. The first turn around the track he looked very concerned, but as soon as he realized that it wasn't noisy at all he had a great time. I think every ones favorite part of the fair was the new baby piglets. We spent more time there than anywhere else. They were very entertaining to watch, especially at feeding time. The term 'eating like a pig' makes perfect sense now after watching them push and pull and shove, squeal and grunt and snort. It made me feel bad for the mother pig, but as soon as she had had enough, she stood up and shook them off. Makes me glad I'm not a pig! Yummy food, fun rides and awesome weather, it was a great way to spend a Friday evening as a family.
Emma is off to kindergarten and she could not be more excited! Tate on the other hand doesn't quite understand why she is gone everyday. Noelle and Bergen have been going to school most of his life, but Emma has always been his buddy while the other's were away. He asks me everyday, "where Emma goes?" I tell him that she is at school now. He then says, "me too, mom". He misses her, I miss her. I am not sad though. It is so much fun to see her having such a great time. She is such a great kid. Have a great year Emma!
p.s. Check out the shoes. Are those some serious heels or what. Darren thinks that they are ridiculously high, Emma thinks they are fabulous. She wins! Not only can she walk in them, she can run full speed across the playground. It is an awesome feat to witness.