tick, tick, tick

Friday, October 19, 2012

I find myself wishing for more time. More time for myself, without taking away any from them. I hurry faster, maybe in this way, since I cannot add minutes to the clock or hours to my life, maybe I will somehow be able to pack more into that which I already have. Until my tank runs empty. I forgot to fill it up. And so on it spins, like clothes in the spin cycle, all the moisture is being pulled from me.

I read chapter 4 of this book a friend placed in my hand..... I understand. And yet, I wonder why I didn't see it before. 

"Being in a hurry. Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me. I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry. But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all the rushing... Through all that haste I thought I was making up time. It turns out I was throwing it away." 
Mark Buchanan - excerpt from 'One Thousand Gifts' by Ann Voskamp

I do not need more time. I need less hurry, less running, less get-up-and-go. I need perspective. Sometimes the answer could be simply that I need to do less with the time I have, and be present in the moment. But the phone will ring again, and someone will have to be somewhere, and there will always be another deadline to meet - that is part of this life too. How I meld the two, there-in lies the challenge.

Hurry will have to happen, but it must not a way by which I orchestrate my life. It does not have to be the rule I live. It can be the exception.

So, I take those moments for myself. I need them. I let go the guilt that I am not with them. I fill back up, and then I am ready when I step back in, even when chaos crumbles at the front door.

I am realizing that when I do less I feel more. Wouldn't it be better to do a few things really well, than a thousand things mediocre? I also need to be aware that there will be seasons of my life. I do not want to rush through to summer realizing I have missed my spring, while children grew. Don't rush. Enjoy. There will be plenty of time for all that I want to do, or, maybe, there won't. Maybe if I slow down enough to listen to God, He will direct my ways. His way for me can become my will. And then, in that sense, I will have used this time doing all that I was created to do. Isn't that enough?

So this day, I wrap tight my arms around every child and challenge that comes my way. This is my life, there are lessons to be learned, and joy to be felt right here, right now. I mustn't step on tippy toe looking above and beyond my very life. I need to live it.

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