her life

my little valentines

2012-02-14T21:20:00.000-08:00

Valentines Day is a pretty big deal around here (as with every other holiday - any excuse to spend the day crafting together!) We made all kinds of things to fill each others envelops up with. And thanks to Pinterest we had fun trying some new ideas.

Happy Valentines Day,

from us to you!

my oyster

2012-02-14T13:52:00.000-08:00

I was 19 years old when I was given my first copy of Gift from the Sea to read. I took the book home, admired its cute cover and interesting title, and then put it on a shelf where it sat for 4 years. It wasn't until I had my second baby that I picked that book up again. I locked myself in the bathroom to have a bubble bath and read a book. I sat in the tub until my fingers had wrinkled and the water was cold. I did not want to put the book down. It was as if I was reading my thoughts, but in a way that I could never have expressed them. I kept finding myself thinking, "that is exactly how I feel!" This was also the very first day I knew I wanted to write.

10 years later I sit here in front of my computer and I write this blog. 10 years ago I had no idea what a blog was, I hardly even knew how to use a computer. This is not the outlet I had envisioned, and certainly not where I would like my writing to remain, but for now I get to write, and that is what I want to do, forever.

Gift from the Sea still sits upon my bookshelf, but I pick it up more often, and re-read its contents. In particular, the part that spoke straight through to my heart was the chapter entitled "Oyster bed".

"You never find two alike. Each is fitted and formed by its own life and struggle to survive. It is an oyster, with small shells clinging to its humped back. Sprawling and uneven, it has the irregularity of something growing. It looks rather like the house of a big family, pushing out one addition after another to hold its teeming life....It is untidy, spread out in all directions, heavily encrusted with accumulations and, in its living state, firmly embedded on its rock. It suggests the struggle of life itself. The oyster has fought to have that place on the rock to which it clings tenaciously." (Gift from the Sea, by Anne Morrow Lindberg)

I have never looked upon an oyster shell in the same way. As I go through my life, somedays wishing for a fancier shell, not in the way of houses, or clothes, or possessions, but a more accomplished me, I am brought back to the vision of the oyster.

The difference between the life I had pictured and the life I actually live, is in the eye of the beholder. I can see past the crudeness of the oyster's shell, and into the middle. In that oyster, in the mess of family life, in the chaos of many children, in the attempt to cling on to what is most important and let other matters go, a great work is being done. I can view my oyster shell with different eyes, and love its bumps and imperfections. The world may not beholds its beauty, but that is because the work and the beauty is being done in a quiet, simple, day by day way - on the inside. It isn't until much later, when all the hard work is done that the reward is complete. This is my offering, not my shell, but the pearl that has grown safe, deep within. This is my gift.

Dear Juliet,

2012-02-10T11:02:00.000-08:00

I feel as if I know you. I feel as though I can relate. I too, think perhaps I am better at writing than living, that maybe I am better behind words than in real life. I have naturally curly brown hair, and know the curse of which you speak.

From the very beginning I wanted you to find someone. Someone you could love and who would love you back with an unending passion. Someone with whom you would grow old and grey and be more in love with at eighty than the day you were married. When you first met Mark Reynolds, my heart hoped for you that this would be the man. He was charming and handsome, and every good thing we imagine our husbands will be. I hoped this would be the prince charming of your story.

I fell in love, right along side you, with all your new friends from Guernsey, and as you got to know them through their letters I feel I did as well. I could imagine their faces, their houses, and their friendships.

You have made me want to write letters, real letters, with paper and pen.

I wish to leave this life, if only in my imagination, and join you in yours.

I long for my own Sophie and Sidney.

The night Mark proposed I wondered why you did not leap with joy and shout out, "Yes!" And then from that moment outside his apartment, when your feelings were uncertain, I wanted you to leave. I wanted you to get on that boat and sail away. And then I knew - from the very first instant you laid eyes on Dawsey, I knew that I could never be satisfied if you did not end up falling madly in love with him, leaving everything you know and spending the rest of your life as Mrs. Dawsey Adams on that isle, in that cottage by the sea.

I want you to love Kit. It is not hard for me to picture her, as she reminds me so very much of my own little brown curly haired, grey eyed girl - inquisistive and thoughtful, and in possession of an iron will. I want you to care for her, for always.

I did not want to know what I now know about Elisabeth. I wished her a safe return home. I wished her to be able to hold her baby and raise her up. I could not help but cry when I read the letter concerning her fate. These people, these events, this is their history. Maybe it wasn't Isola, or Eben, Remy, Eli or John, but whatever their names, these people affected by this war, really lived and died, and endured what we cannot imagine, and for this reason did my heart break. Not only for the fictitious character of Elizabeth, but for all the Elizabeths that really lived this kind of life.

I want to live with the talent and kindness of you, Juliet, the strength and courage of Elisabeth, the spunk and giant heart of Isola, and when I am an old lady, the grace and beauty of Amelia.

Thank you for opening my eyes to a world that was both so ugly and so beautiful. To a world were the human spirit underwent such suffering and yet found comfort and hope and a will to survive in family, friendship, and books.

Sincerely, Shelli McCullough

I am just over half way through and I can barely stand not knowing what comes next, but I am also so very nervous to find out.

This book will make you smile, break your heart and mend it back up again, as the characters become alive in your imagination.

getting lost ..... and finding my way

2012-02-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

I have been going through my days disconnected and disjointed. I feel lost. Where do I fit in? Where is my place, my circle? Do I even have one anymore? Am I a part of "them"? My eyes sting with tears and my heart hurts.

Not long ago I knew. I was confident and right where I thought I wanted to be. I had no intention of leaving comfort for displacement. But God has a way of changing hearts and humbling his children, and his ways aren't usually comfortable. We do not grow there.

As I have trudged through these recent trials I have felt alone, but time has changed my perspective. My mind is filled with small thoughts, that seem to be gently whispered, just when I need them most. Just when I feel as though my heart can take no more, I am given by the grace of God, a small little piece of the puzzle that makes the big picture a little more clear. I still cannot see it all, and I will not until it is complete, but I am given one more small section that somehow gives me the hope of something whole. I can see now that as hard as this has been, and as alone as I have felt, I never was. I can see now how far I have come. God popped my social bubble, and I was left to wander. He ripped my chest wide open, and exposed all my insecurities. He knew what I needed in order to grow and become something better than I could have been in that pleasant position.

I can see now that my dependence upon others to secure my place in life was misplaced. Christ was never part of the in-crowd. He knows what it is to wander lonely halls. He knows what it feels like to be an outsider. He knows our pains and our hurts. He knows how my soul aches as I push the insecurities down and force out one more smile. The empty hole left behind from the heart ache, leaves me with a much bigger sanctum for love. And my mind is filled with the thought that everything is going to be okay, not simple and cushy, or unchallenging, or effortless, but his hands will hold mine and he will walk along with me.

I reflect back upon my own actions - could I have ever, no matter how innocently, projected exclusivity? Could I have been the cause of these kinds of feelings in others? I am sure that I have. My walls have been built up, my pride in the way of the person I want to become, the person others deserved me to be. I have turned my shoulder when I should have offered my hand. What can I do? How can I change? I want to retreat, but I must reach out and face the fear of rejection. I must love even if none is returned. I must be courageous and kind. I will be more careful with the words that I say, the people I walk past, and the hearts I hold. I will look for the goodness in myself and those I met, everyone I met. These are the things I need to take and learn from this. These are the things that will bring about the change of heart I seek. These are even the things that will help in the healing.

My eyes still sting and my heart still hurts. What if I never "belong"? I have no direction. No safe circle to escape into. Where do I go from here? I don't know. Once ones social walls crumble it seems an impossible task to make sense of the mess, but day by day, the dust settles, and the sun shines through, and I begin to find the way. But this time it is not my way, it is His. I will put my trust in Him that he can heal my heart, that he will take me places I never knew I would go.

So what if I never belong? I belong to Him, and that is all that matters.

beauty salon

2012-02-02T16:14:00.000-08:00

The girls had a great time yesterday playing beauty salon. Noelle did everyones make-up and hair.

Later that afternoon we painted our nails, and then I was able to go to a real salon and get my hair cut.

I tried something new.

I asked for bangs.

I haven't had bangs for as long as I can remember.

You can barely tell they're there. They blend in really well.

And when I don't want to deal with bangs, I can pin them back!

It is kind of nice to have a change.

I think I like them.

Julianne, When I got home and Nya saw my hair, she said, "Oh, mommy! You look like Auntie Juweeanne! I think she likes them, too!

pots and pans and porcelain

2012-02-02T10:56:00.000-08:00

I found this dish scrubber last time I was in Pots and Paraphernalia. Since I was due for a new one I bought it, even though it was $4 (I thought that was kind of pricey). If you have white porcelain dishes you will know that you cannot scrub them with anything too aggressive or metallic as you will be left with little grey scratches everywhere. But when I got home I tested it out on my white dishes - not a scratch! This little scrubber does the job of a stainless steel wire scrubber (it will take the skin off your knuckles if you aren't careful!), but it will not scratch your delicate dishes.

It was worth every penny.

Just thought you ought to know!

twelve

2012-01-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

This has been a week of wonders for Noelle, and I have felt like a little girl all over again, being able to experience everything with her.

Birthdays are pretty special around here, but this year, for this birthday, for this girl, we have had some exciting surprises in store.

The first and best surprise would, of course, be Grandpa and Grandma Anderson showing up on our doorstep the day before her birthday.

{Try to take a picture when your hands are shaking and your eyes are filling up with tears}

Next, a pink camera, that she has been hoping for, for years.

Pink poodle slippers from her dear friend Clara.

Pink cupcakes made by her sisters.

Her first professional haircut - ever!

{Tate and I had such fun watching her.}

Although it is hard to see in the picture, Michelle, our hair dresser, even added sparkles to her hair when she was finished.
They look so pretty in person.

Did you know that you can buy spray on sparkles for your hair?!

She even got her ears pierced!

Noelle has a very low tolerance for pain. This girl will not even pull a band aid off.

I was really concerned that she wouldn't go through with it when we got there.

Not only did she hop right in that chair and get it done without a flinch, she couldn't stop smiling all afternoon.

I think I was more nervous than she was. This is my baby, you know.

And to top it all off we had planned to go to Vancouver tomorrow, but it must have all been too much for her.

She is now down and out on the sofa, sick as she can be. Poor girl.

What a way to end the most marvelous week ever.

Get better Noelle.

I cannot believe the person I see you becoming. You are so very beautiful, inside and out.

You are your daddy's little girl, your momma's big helper, your grandparents shinning star.

Thank you for loving me, for being my daughter, and one of my very best friends.

Happy birthday! love, Mom

mission: impossible

2012-01-24T14:23:00.000-08:00

The bathrooms are clean.....

the laundry is done.....

the house is filled with groceries.....

I am showered and ready.....

the kids are busy building, cooking, and learning.....

and after 2 months of planning and secret keeping, and a few very close calls when the cat was let out of the bag only to be ever so quickly scooped back up and shoved back in,

they have no idea that Grandpa and Grandma Anderson are only half an hour away!

word of the year

2012-01-18T15:50:00.000-08:00

Have you heard of this? I am sure many of you have. I am usually the last to find out anything, and I am quite careful about "jumping on the band wagon". But this inspired me, so I thought I would share.
Choose one word. One word for the whole year. A word that inspires you. This is a kind of new years resolution.
I have been very thoughtful about my one word. There are many good ones. I thought about early, edify, plenty, relax, celebrate, rejoice, learn, endure, smile, breath, focus, enhance, enrich, and many others. I love the simplicity of it, but choosing just one word was harder for me than I had first anticipated. But it eventually came, and I knew it was my word.

Just one word, to help me stretch and grow. To help me meet new goals (or old ones I haven't quite mastered yet), to continue to try harder and be kinder, to myself and others. Just one word.......... fill.

Fill my heart will warm feelings.
Fill my mind with good thoughts.
Fill my house with laughter and music.
Fill my time with worthy pursuits.
Fill my mouth with soft words.
Fill our bodies with good food.
Fill my nightstand with great books.
Fill my spare time with inspiring friends.
Fill my bath with bubbles.
Fill my cup with tea and honey.
Fill my hurts with healing and forgiveness.
Fill my yard with flowers.
Fill my fear with courage.
Fill my prayers with thanksgiving and earnest requests.
Fill my scriptures with highlights.
Fill my days with hope.
And fill my arms with these......

I'd love to know your word!

Link up if you want (It's my first time, ever!)

or leave me a comment.

6 years and snow

2012-01-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

It snowed today..... finally.

6 years ago at this time, I was hoping it wouldn't.

6 years ago I was expecting my 4th baby, a little boy. I knew, and Darren knew, and Bergen knew. But we did not tell anyone else. This was our secret for 5 months. This was the first time we had ever found out. We shared our secret with Bergen because we were so excited for him that he was going to have a brother. When we told him he simply said, "I know".

All during that pregnancy, knowing that we would have to drive to Victoria, over the Malahat, I worried that it would snow and that we wouldn't be able to get there. I could, of course, have gone to the Duncan hospital, but anyone who has ever felt bonded to the doctor that helped deliver their babies will understand why the trip was made.

6 years ago today my water broke, just after dinner. We packed up our bags, settled the other children with my mom, and drove away in great excitement. There was not a snowflake in sight. Whether or not the forecast called for clear skies, I felt that my prayers had been answered. I was so sure that I was only a couple of hours away from having a baby in my arms. But that is not the way it was to be. Little did I know that he was still hours and hours and hours away.

As I watched the snow gently falling today, my mind was filled with all these memories.

As I watched Tate watch the snow fall, and wait with great anticipation to be able to go outside and play, I recalled my own feelings as I waited for this baby to come. Although he came on his due date, he came in his own time, as slowly as the gently falling snow.

In celebration of the snowfall we made snowflake marshmallows to enjoy with out hot chocolate.

I first saw this idea on pinterest, via Martha Stewart. Instead of using that recipe though, which seemed more complex than it had to be, I thought I would use marshmallow fondant instead. So easy.

melt marshmallows and water in microwave, stir
add powdered sugar, mix
turn out onto counter, knead, and roll out
cut shapes with cookie cutters

{link for marshmallow fondant recipe}

bunny slippers

2012-01-11T12:52:00.000-08:00

Jared, Shannon and Aubrey came for a visit last week. As usual the came and were gone again faster than we would have liked. We wish we could spend more time with them. But, also as usual, it was so nice to see them.

We were able to give them our Christmas gifts. I made Aubrey a doll like the one I made for Nya, except I gave her a little brown bob. Shannon then started crocheting all sorts of clothes for the doll, and she made a pair of bunny slippers for Nya, so that she and her doll would have a matching pair. They are the cutest things you have ever seen! I think Shannon and I had more fun playing with the dolls than the girls did!

Thank you, Auntie Shannon. I love them!

love, Nya & Pinkalicious {that is what she named her doll}

I hope....

2012-01-10T13:47:00.000-08:00

I found this picture here (this blog has some really great free printables), via Pinterest, and I knew I wanted to put it here, in the boys room. So, I sent the picture off to Walmart, bought a frame, and put the 2 together. Now every time I walk into the this room, it is the first thing I see, and it makes me wonder.

Although Tate tells me that he never wants to grow up to be a man (we have been learning about Peter Pan), I know the day will come when I will be sending my sons out into some part of the world that they have probably never been, for 2 years. I wonder of these boys I now raise. I wonder what they will be like. I worry, of course. Will I be able to get them there, to the place a boy becomes man?

I wish for them to be just like their dad. I imagine the men they will become, and my heart feels hope.

I may not be able to walk them through to manhood, but I will do my best to get them to the threshold. And with the Lord's help they will go, and grow, and return, no longer the boys I sent out, but men of God.

{I was going to clear off the dresser before I took this picture, but for the sake of a friend (you know who you are!) I left it as is. The way you would find it if you were actually in our home - complete with Mater riding the plane!}

a ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships were built for ~ William Shedd

2012-01-02T20:17:00.000-08:00

On December 31st I was filled with all kinds of thoughts. I was thinking of the many things we have to step back into this next week, the routines left behind in the celebration of His birth that are once again calling me back from my subconscious. I also reflected back upon this past year. At first glance it seemed rather unremarkable, important, but nevertheless, unremarkable.

On the very last day of 2011 we had no smashing party to attend. I had no gorgeous dress to wear. Nary a glass of bubbly was in sight, nor did we count down with the clock. We did, however, hold a Mario Cart competition, after we ate left-over sloppy joes for dinner. The kids were in bed by 8:30, we soon followed. My thought was this: Fitting really - we rang in the new year as unremarkably as we lived the last.

I did not make any new years resolutions. I keep thinking I should. Shouldn't I head into this new year with some goals?

I turned 34. Just 2 weeks ago.

As my birthday approached, I reflected back over the last year, my 33rd year of life. I remember turning 33, and thinking it was the happiest number! I was sure that it was going to be a great year. And the more I thought about it the more I began to realize, perhaps this year was a little more remarkable than first glance would suggest.

This year was hard. It brought more trials than I had anticipated. Looking back I can see how much I've grown, and I am grateful for the lessons I have learned. I have been humbled. In most cases I was compelled to be humble. I wish I would more often choose the humility instead.

This year also brought many unexpected adventures, things I didn't start the year setting out to accomplish. I learned to fence. I learned to row. I learned to surf. I made new friends. I got a new calling. I also did something, a secret something (I am still doing that something, actually, and I am not quite prepared to share it yet. Someday, but not today). This something I am doing I have been afraid to do for so long. But I did it, I took the first step, and a few more followed, and now I have set out at a jog.

The things I did this year may still seem unremarkable to most, but to me, to me they signify that I am courageous. Normally, I am about as mundane as one can be. It is comfortable here in this space I know so well. I would not ever describe myself as a fly-by-the-seat-of-her-pants kind of girl. I like the predictable. I am much like the flower growing safely behind the terrarium glass.

This past year I lifted the lid just a bit.

What if this year I took the lid right off?

So as I step into 2012 I set out with a few goals: to continue on with the adventures I began last year, and to try and be a better mom to my children, wife to my husband, and friend to all I meet. This year most of all though, as people make resolutions to do something, I commit my heart to do less of some things. I hope to stop caring what others think of me. I hope I will embrace the mess being a part of a big happy creative family brings. I hope to pay less attention to the mirror, the clock, and the to-do list. I hope that I will ignore my fears that tell me I can't.

What will my 34th year bring?

I do not know! But, I do know that I am going to fly by the seat of my pants a little more, trust myself to try new things, and open my arms and my heart to 365 more days filled with who knows what!

I am ready for it,

all of it!

And if this new year is anything like the last, I know I am in for a trip outside my safe harbor. After all:

couch potatoes

2012-01-01T18:48:00.000-08:00

On the 29th of December, Darren and company went on their annual winter surfing trip. I stayed home with one sick little girl. Nya woke up with a fever, and slept off and on for most of the day. Although I was so sad to see her feeling so sick, it was such a peaceful relaxing day. She sat beside me on the sofa all day long. She would eat and drink a little, here and there, then lay down and drift off to sleep. I sat with Emma and we knit the day away. I made my first dish cloth! The boys played together really well all day long, while Noelle and her cousin Lauren spent the whole day playing games.

On a side note, Brent and Tracey and kids came up to spend Boxing Day with the family. They took Noelle home with them. A couple of days later we then traveled down to Sidney to spend the day with them. Tracey taught me to knit dishcloths. The adults went out to dinner and left the little ones with Noelle and Lauren, and then we brought Lauren home with us for a few days. She was so much fun to have around. We made pancakes and french toast, sweet potato fries and sloppy joes. We watched Sense and Sensibility, and visited Auntie Julianne at work. We swam, and played games, and just had fun!

Side note #2: Are those the cutest bunny slippers you have ever seen, or what? They were a gift from a very sweet little cousin to Nya.

Christmas morning 2011

2012-01-01T17:28:00.000-08:00

The kids slept until 7, and then we all got up and went downstairs.

Whenever we asked Nya what she wanted for Christmas she would reply, "pink lollipop".

That is all she wanted. Santa delivered 3!

The boys asked for Lego from Santa, so I though we would give them something to hold their ever increasing collection.

Darren and I designed and built these Lego boxes - they turned out better than I had imagined, and they tuck neatly under the bed!

For Nya I sewed a soft doll, with a sleeping bag, pillow, and extra outfits.

When I had decided, back in October, that that is what I was going to make for her,

I asked her what color hair she would pick for a doll - the answer was, of course, "pink!"

I sewed each of my girls an apron as well.

I first saw this design at a birthday party. Someone had sewn one for the birthday girl.

I thought it was the cutest thing and I knew it would be perfect for my little bakers.

The seamstress (one of the best I have ever met!) had sewn velcro onto the side of the waist band.

Instead of having to tie it up at the back, the kids can just wrap it around their waists and attach it themselves. Brilliant!

I made the girls a few felt bookmarks I saw on Pinterest. They were put to good use right away.

I also sewed the big girls a Christmas skirt, which I forgot to take a picture of.

When we got home after church on Sunday, the kids were quick to change and resume the opening of presents.

It wasn't until later that evening that I remembered I didn't get a picture of us all dressed in our new Christmas best.

I have a couple of sewing projects that I didn't get done in time for Christmas, for Noelle and Emma.

I will continue to work away on those, but in the place of that gift the girls were given a gift certificate

for a night out with mom, including dinner, and a trip to the movies.

( I ran out of time, and was up until 11:30 Christmas Eve sewing,

so although it doesn't quite classify as homemade,

the certificate was, and they were THRILLED.

Nothing could be more important than spending one on one time together, anyways.)

Now for my most favorites:

Besides what we made for the kids, they only got one other present from us,

one gift for the boys to share and one for the girls.

We weren't planning on buying anything other than what we had made for them,

but one day while Darren was out he came across something that he knew the boys would love (I think mostly he loved it).

Unbeknownst to him I had done the same thing.

I was shopping for extended family when I came across something I just knew the girls would love (mostly I loved it).

We laughed as we showed each other our finds, and couldn't wait to see the children's faces when they opened their gifts.

For the boys: A Lego Darth Vader alarm clock.

He is about 8 inches high and can move his arms and legs and everything!

What Lego, Star Wars loving boy of 6 or 36 wouldn't love this?

For the girls, I found this elephant tea pot in Pots & Parafinalia (Julianne's new place of employment).

When I saw this I knew it would be the perfect gift for my 'everyday is a tea party' daughters.

They loved it every bit as much as I did, and as much as I knew they would.

We had a fantastic bright and sunny, no snow in sight, green Christmas (I missed the snow).

Darren completely surprised me with a few gifts.

The kids were spoiled by Santa and family.

We loved being with some family, missed being with others.

We enjoyed going to church.

And to top it all off we had the privilege to share Christmas dinner with the Moore family.

Even the Moores came bearing a homemade gift. Thank you for the pillow, Debra. I love it!

MERRY CHRISTMAS 2011

from us to you

2011-12-24T19:01:00.000-08:00

To all family and friends, we want to wish you a very merry Christmas.

And to our missionary friends around the world....

pomegranates

2011-12-19T09:35:00.000-08:00

The kids love these things and they are so very good for you,

but they are about as messy as it can get.

Until now!

I just learned the greatest thing - maybe you already know!

But in case you don't, and in case you love pomegranates as much as we do,

I thought I'd share.

this week.....

2011-12-18T15:43:00.000-08:00

we got a package from my parents in the mail. It contained Christmas cards for the kids and this years ornament. Since moving away my mom has made a really big effort to send the kids cards - for Thanksgiving, Halloween, Christmas, ect. This means so very much to them. They save every card! Thank you, also, Mom and Dad for the birthday cards. I got two - one from my mom and another one especially from my dad! I am missing my parents this time of year, and wishing we could have our annual girl's trip to the mall.

Auntie Shannon let Santa know that we needed an elf at our house, and so a couple of weeks ago we had a new little guest come to stay with us for the holiday season. Nya was not too sure about him, and refused to go into the living room where he sat. After a couple of days, and seeing pictures of her cousin, Aubrey, with her little elf, Nya warmed to the idea. I asked her what we should name him and she insisted upon Sheep. So here he sits, taking advantage of the many holes we still have in our drywall since getting pot lights installed last summer! The kids are actually super excited about him. Every morning I will awake to Tate asking me if he can show me where the elf is now!

My Christmas mantel this year is super simple. I didn't go and gather greenery to make fresh boughs. Normally I clip behind my parents house, but since they moved I didn't have in in my heart to go. Maybe next year. But thanks to Debra who was in a purging mood, the mantel got a facelift at least. Thank you, Debra. I LOVE the believe sign, and the black star got a coat of red paint and now my pretty bland mantel is all ready for Christmas. And..........

after 8 months I FINALLY painted my board and applied the vinyl (cut by Debra) for our family affirmations. It makes me smile every time I walk past! It has been WAY too long since I have done anything creative. I need to get back at it.

My boys have such fun with their hair. Every morning they think up some new animal they resemble. One morning this week it was a great horned owl. About 30 minutes later Bergen was relieved of his horns, via the hair clippers!

Noelle is continuing to cook up a storm! She loves it, and so do the other children. She declared one day that she wanted to open her own bakery and name it 'The Baker Bee'. She would greet her customers with, "Welcome to the hive. How may we help you?" I, for one, think this is a fantastic idea. I will be your first customer, Noelle!

You would think that Nya would never be in need of a playmate, but the other day I found her playing Connect Four with a Webkinz. She would lift his paw and have him play his piece when it was his turn. Too cute!

a full house and an empty womb

2011-12-15T16:26:00.000-08:00

Preface: I shouldn't have to do this, after all it is my blog. But I will.

It is hard to push that "publish post" button sometimes. I may tell you more information than you ever cared to know. I am sure that I will lose readers along the way. And I will have to be okay with that. In my desire to be real through this blog, I learn to be real with myself.

I want my blog to be a place where I can be absolutely honest. There are pieces of my life, of the lives of my family, that are and will remain private. There are others that, for whatever reason, I feel inclined to share. With a variety of pieces, I leave you to do what you will with them. With no directions or blueprints. I send these thoughts out into the world and then I have to let go. I do not know what happens to them or how they are interpreted when they are received. I should not care. Some, then, may feel I should not share. Yet, something compels me to. It would be asking the impossible for anyone to get any accurate picture of what someone is like through the view of this window.

I try to remain as positive as possible, while still maintaining an accurate sense of my feelings towards the events that make up my life, the good and the hard. All these experiences help shape the person I am becoming. I have nothing to hide. I have decided that the mask of perfection is too heavy for me to carry anymore. If I ever portray my life as perfect, I am sorry for that. On the other hand, if I ever come across as negative or seem to complain, I am equally sorry. That would not be fair for my family or for anyone who chooses to read.

Something happens to me when I write. I feel I am am able to express those things that need clarification within my own mind, and the longer I blog the more open I feel my heart becoming. I write for me. As I read and re-read, these kinds of posts in particular, I am filled with hope. I realize that I am strong, even though I feel so weak. I have come through trials that, in the moment, I would have preferred not to have had to experience, and I have grown! Next, for my family, a record for them to have of all our daily happenings. A legacy I wish to leave my children. Lastly, I write in the hopes that I may touch even just one person. If my experiences can offer hope in anyway, if only to let them know that they are not alone, in thoughts, in feelings, in trials, then I will have accomplished what I hoped to do with this blog. My life is not perfect, but it is unbelievably beautiful. I share pieces of me through this blog, not to seem better or worse than I really am. I do not ask for fame, or pity. I write because that is what my heart tells me to do.

I am pretty sure that I miscarried this past month. I never took a test, but I know the signs of pregnancy. I also know, all too well, the signs of a miscarriage. We were not trying. In fact we are not planning to ever try again. But if the day ever comes when the Lord steps in and sends another wee one our way, we would open our doors, our hands, and our hearts to it. None of this makes the loss any less painful. For a moment I had a new life growing inside me, with all the emotions and hormones that accompany that. Upon reflection, I do feel that for whatever purpose this happened it was probably for the best. If Heavenly Father wants me to have another baby, He will from the time of conception until delivery, protect and bless that new little life. Sometimes, for reasons we cannot yet understand, these things, hard as they seem, are simply part of life. Never, ever, is it a punishment from God.

I really do feel like our family is complete. I really do not want to ever be pregnant again.

And yet I am a woman, which seems to be innately connected to the desire to have a baby.

So to my friends who ask and wonder if they will ever know that they are done, I cannot answer that question for you. All I can say is that it is different for each woman. I do feel completely, wonderfully, absolutely finished, in the most joyous way possible. I do not feel denied.

And yet my heart aches for just one more. But I think it always will. No matter how many I have.

I suffer from empty womb syndrome. Every time I hear that someone is pregnant I go through 2 days of trying to convince myself that I could do it again. I could have another baby!

It passes, always.

But not this time.

Will I ever have another baby? I truly believe that I will not. Just because I know these things though, and feel this sense of completion, does not remove that part of me, created by Him, to nurture life. Maybe this part of me, that is so inseparably connected to my heart, accentuates that most vulnerable soft mother core. So maybe, just maybe, as I pray for these feelings to leave, I should instead be praying for these emotions to stay, and keep this mother-heart soft and exposed. A shift in focus, a transfer of emotions. This life I am already living, this house I have already filled, it may just be that these things need that heart, that would, if asked, make great sacrifices for the love of those she already has.

cedar boughs

2011-12-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

We had the opportunity to go down to Sidney yesterday and visit with our friends the Schafers.
The kids played, while the moms made wreaths. I had no plans of making a wreath this year, not because I didn't want to, simply because my list is long.
I am so grateful that a hedge needed trimming, and a friend made a phone call. Thank you Kirsten. I love you.
I thought I might add other things to my wreath when I it got home, but I hung it on the door straight away to keep it safe, and decided that I like it just the way it is.

Toast - it's a male McCullough thing

2011-12-08T22:25:00.000-08:00

My husband's idea of a bedtime snack. There are 8 - count them - EIGHT pieces of toast!

I gain weight just looking at that plate.
And I can guarantee that he will not stop there. This is just the first course.

tea for two

2011-12-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today as I was cleaning the bathrooms, Bergen was helping me bathe Nya.
He sat on the edge of the tub and took every single one of her commands, with a smile even!
The following conversation ensued:
Me: "Girls sure can be bossy, can't they?"
Berg: "YES!"
Me: "Sometimes the smaller they are, the bossier they can be."
Berg: "Ya, and they scream if they don't get their way, and who wants to listen to that?!"
Me: "You do what works!"

First Presidency Christmas Devotional

2011-12-05T14:12:00.000-08:00

This is one of my most favorite nights of the Christmas season. Every year I pray that I will feel the spirit of Christmas, and every year I struggle to, even though I promise myself that we will take it slower and enjoy this holiday.
Until this night.
This night focuses me on what is truly important. This night reminds me of all the things I already know, but lose in the fog of this busy time of year. I am so very grateful for revelation from God spoken to his children through his servants.

"We like the wise men of old, should seek the Christ and lay before him the most precious of gifts, a broken heart and a contrite spirit. We should offer him our love. We should give him our willingness to take upon ourselves His name and walk in the path of discipleship. We should promise to remember him always, to emulate his example, and to go about doing good. We cannot offer him the gift of perfection in all things, because this is a gift that is beyond our capacity to give, at least for now. The Lord does not expect that we commit to move mountains, but He does require that we bring as gifts our best efforts to move ourselves one foot in front of the other, walking in the ways He has prepared and taught.
And what are the Savior's gifts to those who are willing to bring these gifts to Him? This may be the most one sided gift exchange in the history of the universe. The Savior's gifts to us are breathtaking. Let us begin with immortality. Because the Savior overcame death, all men and women, the just and the unjust, will live forever. Then forgiveness. Even though our sins and imperfections be as scarlet, they can become white as snow because of Him. He is our Savior. And finally eternal life, the greatest gift of all. Because of the atonement of Christ not only are we guaranteed an infinite quantity of life, but He offers the possibility of an unimaginable quality of life as well."
"He promises to be with us, to come to us when we need comfort, to lift us when we stumble, to carry us if needed, mourn and rejoice with us everyday. He offers to take us by the hand and help transform ordinary life into extra-ordinary spiritual experiences. The hallowed Christmas season can and should be one to recommit to keep the fire of the spirit and the glory of the Son of God burning in our hearts everyday throughout the year."
"May we always remember to bring gifts to Him who has given his all for us. May we always remember and be grateful that in the birth of that child the universe rejoiced, and may each Christmas season remind us to lift up our voices and fill up our hearts with joy and gratitude that Christ the king has come."
President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

On a side note - we baked cookies and drank holiday tea as we watched. I found these chocolate chips while grocery shopping. I was informed last night that they are SUPER yummy!

from mother to daughter

2011-12-04T19:18:00.000-08:00

Every year we buy a new Christmas tree ornament for each of our children. This tradition began with my grandma Spalla, my mom's mom, and my mom has continued this on with me. The first ornament she bought for me was on November 26, 1997. It was purchased in the gift shop aboard one the BC ferries, as we all traveled home just hours after Darren and I had been married. We didn't even have a tree, but I carefully packed it away for the future. Since that first year of marriage my mom has added something special to my collection.

I now share this tradition with my children. Every year, as we open our boxes of decorations and unwrap each one, I hear the children's excitement as they show one another their ornaments and remember all the years past. Each one is lovingly and thoughtfully placed on our tree. This year several of the kids have designated a 'section' of tree for all their ornaments. Not only is our tree filling up with ornaments, but with so many special memories as well!

(BC Ferries moose - Christmas 1997)

A December Saturday

2011-12-03T17:58:00.000-08:00

Today we...........

carved neglected pumpkins from October (at least we got to it before Christmas, sheesh!),

taught ourselves how to play 'hot cross buns',

commenced work on an impossible puzzle,

read our library books (again),

went shopping here,

where we were assisted by this lovely lady on the first day of her new job (she now works in this little piece of homemaking heaven).

We created with the queens of craft, Mrs. Moore & Mini Moore.

We are now off to get the kids into bed so we can go out to dinner and do some Christmas shopping.

Happy Saturday, from the McCullough home!

get lost!

2011-12-02T17:56:00.000-08:00

This is the second time we have been here this week. This is one of our most favorite places to be.

Of all the worries and insecurities I have about homeschooling, there is one thing that fills me up and gives me hope and lets me know that I have nothing to worry about!

These children LOVE books. They could read and read and read. Being a book lover myself, I secretly thrill at the sight of them in the library.

Actually, I rarely see them. Once we are through those doors they all disappear into the section of their choice, and I reluctantly have to gather them all up when it is time to go.

Back at home they disappear once again to snuggle on couches, in beds, or even on the book tray itself.

I love nothing more than when my children and I can get lost - in a good book that is!

little inventors

2011-12-01T16:38:00.000-08:00

We have been having some fun with these books, learning all about Leonardo daVinci and his incredible inventions.

Last week we wrote secret messages using water and baking soda.

The kids got pretty creative and instead of using the paintbrushes I provided they disappeared for a few minutes and came back with q-tips stuck in the ends of feathers (understandably so - it's simply more authentic)

When the paper dried it looked perfectly blank.

But, once you add the lemon juice, slowly, the words start to appear.

Today we made parachutes fashioned after daVinci's design. We also learned that although he was never able to test it from great heights, in July of 2000 a man named Adrian Nicholas built and tested a model following daVinci's instructions, and using supplies and tools that would have been available in his day. With the safety of a back-up parachute he jumped 3000 meters above ground out of a hot air balloon. He stated that it gave a smoother ride than the modern parachute.

The best part - they really did work. Not all of our experiments do. But, I suppose, Mr. daVinci knew what he was doing!

25 days to go...

2011-11-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

a masterpiece it's not

2011-11-29T11:24:00.000-08:00

When I see pictures of food art on Pinterest I long to be that mother who creates works of art with her children meals. But, I know my limits, and I realize that as much as I desire to make every meal a memorable experience, for now it is a means of survival.

Little do they know of pandas made with rice, and sharks carved out of watermelons. They have yet to discover such things as the Eiffel Tower constructed from cheese, and frogs sliced from apples and carrots.

Yet I can (thanks to my sweet friend Lisa Burbank) make peanut-butterflies for lunch!

The end result - one very pleased 3 year old. It's the simple things. Good thing I am a simple girl.

Someday, I might get really crazy and try my butterfly skills using an apple as my medium instead!

14 years

2011-11-26T11:27:00.000-08:00

Darren and I were married 14 years ago today.

November 26, 1997 he took a little 19 year old girl and gave her everything she had ever dreamed of.

He has loved me and cared for me throughout the years.

Even at times when it has been hard too, he loves, always.

I trust him with my heart, my feelings, my hopes, and my dreams.

He holds my hand and those of our children.

He makes me feel like I am the best wife and mother in the world, even though I am not.

He encourages me on, and believes in me when I don't believe in myself.

He does not expect me to be perfect - he loves me regardless.

She sees what I can be, and he wants great things for me.

He is so strong, and gentle, and he leads our family along in the footsteps of our Heavenly Father.

There is still no one in the world I would rather share this life with than him.

{source}

Happy anniversary Darren.

I love you.

How I get my house clean again after the kids come in looking like this :

2011-11-25T11:03:00.000-08:00

Norwex.

I am a believer.

I truly do love these products, so I just thought I would share.

Here are some of my favorites.

The window cloth. I use this one to dry windows, mirrors, my stove top, and anything else glass.

No streaks left behind.

The dusting mitt. I use this to dust with of course, but this makes the job so easy.

I especially appreciate it when I clean the blinds.

These are great for using as you would your magic eraser, but without any chemicals!

This! This is one of the products that I love the very most. I clean everything with this. I use it for tubs and showers. I use it on appliances, walls, and floors. I use it to get scuff marks off my cupboards and sticky labels off glass. It takes off grease and scum (I have scum sometimes) amazingly well. (It does have some precautionary directions as it is an abrasive, but so far I haven't found that it scratches anything, or leaves a dull mark, but that would be something I would suggest that you figure out for yourself.

The toilet brush. Everything you need is right here, all together and ready to use.

You push down on the handle of the brush and cleanser is released into bristles.

It works great and smells even better.

The laundry detergent! I do laundry every single day, at least once a day, usually more.

This little bag, which costs about $30, lasts me at least 6 months,

even though I have been informed that I am using way to much.

Apparently you are only suppose to use a teaspoon per load when you have a front loader.

I don't even know what this one is called, but I LOVE this cleaning mitt.

I use it to do the bathtubs and the tile floors in the bathrooms.

It has an abrasive side and a softer microfiber side.

If I could only pick 2 products it would be this mitt and the cleaning paste.

I do care about having chemicals in the home, especially with young kids. We all know that it is just better to try and have as little of that as possible around them, and us. But this is not the reason I use them. I use them because they work. The bonus is that they work without chemicals.

I do not sell Norwex. I am not getting paid to say these things. The items I have shared with you are only a really small selection of the products they have available. If you would like to know more though, I do know someone you could talk to. She resides in Blogland here.

lockless

2011-11-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

I just came across this picture of Nya of when she was 5 months old.

The girl who now has so much hair I don't always know what to do with it, was as bald as one could possibly be when she was small.

(Doesn't it look like I took a Bic to her head? I promise I did no such thing. But it just makes me laugh.)

side note: this same girl just so happens to be walking around the house right now singing, "Cook a baby in the ubin (oven) turn it very hot". Where she got this from I do not know.

mud pie

2011-11-23T16:59:00.000-08:00

I came home from a meeting today to find the back door open and cold air pouring in. The girls had been with me, Nya was still napping, Tate was in the house playing, and Darren was in the front yard. But I knew, even before I discovered everybody's whereabouts that Bergen was the reason for the open door. I went outside to see what he was up to and found one muddy little man. He had been collecting worms. There were at least 100 in that bottle! I don't know where he found them all, or what he is going to do with them, but as far as worms go it was pretty impressive!

You should have seen the bathroom when he was finished washing up. He came out clean, but the sink didn't fare quite so well.

She

2011-11-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

I have freckles. I have never really liked them. For years and years I have imagined them away. Then one day a friend sent me some pictures she had taken of our family. My freckles seemed to jump off the screen. Along with my slightly crooked teeth, despite 2 years of braces, and all the other things I do not like about myself.

And then something happened.

In that quiet moment I saw myself through different eyes. How would God feel about my thoughts? He made me. He lovingly gave me this body as a blessing. He did not set out to create an 'Ugly Duckling'. He does not see how I see.

How would I feel if my daughters did that, thought those thoughts?

As they grow I wonder. I wonder what they think of themselves. Do they compare? Do they wish they could make exchanges? Not yet maybe, but someday all too soon? Can they escape this pit that most females fall head first into? When I look at them I see just how perfect and beautiful they are. I view them through a mother's eyes, and it would break my heart if they ever thought they were ugly, or not as good as the girl down the block. What day will it be when I am no longer the voice that matters? Who will it be that will take my place? Has it already happened? How will I ever get them to understand?

Some of us might have an easier time accepting ourselves, totally and completely, others find it harder. I tend to pick myself apart piece by piece and compare all those pieces with someone else, not even usually just one person, but bits here and there from many different people creating in my mind one impossibly perfect person. And then I wonder why I don't measure up? DUH!
So to my daughters, in the hopes that they will believe or at least come to believe, I would say this:

God wants us to love ourselves. He wants an entire acceptance of self. Because He does. He loves us and accepts us regardless of everything - your ears, your nose, your hair, your teeth. It will seem hard, at some stages more than others, as you go through this life. You probably will not like every little piece of yourself, and you will probably have days when you feel like the Ugly Duckling. You will no longer believe that you are beautiful just because Mom told you so. You will become very aware of how you look and how others perceive you. You must not let that define you. You must somehow learn acceptance. There is power in acceptance and that is the first step. You or I will never be the most beautiful, the nicest, the sweetest, the smartest, or the most talented. Accepting this and deciding instead to simply be the best person you can be is what you must do. We were made by GOD. We are each His creation. He does not want us to feel badly about ourselves. He does not want us to compare. I believe that He doesn't even see what we see when we view ourselves or others. And someday I believe that we will see like He does, through to the heart. We will all be able to see the perfect majesty of His creation we are. You may be thinking, 'That's great and all, but those are just words and this is life, real life right now, and I don't like what I see'. I hear you. I understand. But this is not reality, not really.

This video - a gift to me from one beloved. I share this very personal thing with you.

(I am sure some copyright law has been broken.)

My intention in sharing - For my daughters, in all the years to come, please listen to the words for you are 'She'.

And to my cherished friends and family, all women everywhere, these words are for you.

When I read your blogs and see your faces, I am reminded of just how lucky I am to call you all my friends. I have been blessed with the best.

And for the outpour of emotion, I will never apologize. I love you all.

'She' by Cherie Call

(Sorry about the words across the screen. This was made with a free program for my viewing only. It was ever intended it to be published.)

I have a responsibility to accept myself, not only for me but also for my daughters. How are they to develop a deep understanding of the true source of beauty if their mother can't, or won't. I believe that we express a certain gratitude in our acceptance. And then, acceptance turns to love. When we can look past our own imperfections, especially those things we cannot change, we allow space for Him. We begin to see what He sees. We begin to love as he loves, heart to heart, not face to face. So color your hair, workout every day, put braces on your teeth, do what you will to be the best person you can be....... then stop there, and let go. I am not saying it is easy, but I do think it is possible, and He will help. He made your nose, your ears, your hair, your legs. He made you and He loves you and He wants you to love yourself. Once we truly believe that this is so we can begin to find acceptance for every freckle He lovingly places upon our cheeks. And this, this acceptance turned to love for ourselves and others, will make us most beautiful of all, to Him who truly matters. To Him we are all "She".

the most wonderful time of the year

2011-11-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

38 days until Christmas! Did you know? If not my children will be sure to tell you! The asking starts well before Halloween and doesn't stop until we have made a paper chain to count down to the 25th of December. Even then they will ask, just to make sure that they are on the right link.

We are having a homemade Christmas again this year. First of all I must say, before you read any further, I DO NOT think that there is anything wrong with buying presents, nothing at all. I do not believe that making gifts is the best or only way of celebrating this holiday, we just happen to love doing it. So, we do! I love finding the perfect project that will be just right for each individual child and the satisfaction of the end product. I love that my kids will peruse though craft books instead of catalogs to decide what they are going to give each other. I am grateful for the feeling it brings into our home. I do believe that Christmas can still be magical without turning commercial, and for our family this works. Therefore we have been busy with all manner of sewing and crafting, knitting and woodworking, in order to be ready in time.

I do worry whether they will actually like the gifts we make or whether they will think they are lame and secretly hold out hope that they will find some shiny new package of the mass produced variety with their name on it under the tree. If that is the case, being the nice kids they are, they will tell me they love it anyways, discard my gifts on the sidelines and hunt for something packaged, held in place with a million twist ties and tiny rubber bands. Good thing for them, even though we are going homemade, Santa always delivers!

I wish I could show you some of the things we have been working on, but that will have to wait until after December 25th, as my children read my blog regularly. A funny thing that is - they live here, everyday, with me. They know everything that is going on. They are usually the topic of said posts, and yet they read.

I can however show you this. She knits and knits and knits, and I LOVE watching her do it!

Happy Christmas preparations!

children of God

2011-11-14T19:32:00.000-08:00

The older girls teaching Nya to sing!

lest we forget

2011-11-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

REMEMBER

Poppies; the color of red,

A silent prayer was humbly said.

As they fought on through the war,

Blessings came more and more.

So let us remember those who fought,

To help us be free, in all our thoughts.

by Noelle McCullough

PEACE EVER MORE

Soldiers are brave,

Soldiers of war,

They fought for our freedom,

And peace ever more.

by Bergen McCullough

Harmony
We wear poppies on Remembrance Day,
We think about them in this way,
All those who fought for you and me,
To give us peace and harmony.
by Emma McCullough

Today was Remembrance Day. We had a quiet, dark afternoon. We made paper tissue poppies in honor of those who fought for us all those years ago and for the ones who fight today. We are grateful for their bravery and sacrifice.

The power went out shortly after lunch and as the sun went down we huddled up and stuck together. We lit some candles, practiced the piano, and played some games. I think the highlight of the night though was snuffing out the flames once the power came back on! We even re-lit a few just because apparently it is that much fun.

a very merry unbirthday to you

2011-11-11T18:37:00.000-08:00

Bergen is a night owl. He always has been. He is not big on communication during the day, but when we get time together alone at night, after everyone else is down, he begins to open up. I have discovered that this is not something I can force, as much I want to know what he is thinking, and how he is doing. I must wait for him to speak, and it is usually under the cover of nightfall as he is buried in our bed. Last night as we were reading together we started to talk about his birthday. He wanted to know just how much longer he had to go until then. I realized that it was exactly six months until his birthday! Making it, of course, his half birthday! When I excitedly told him this he looked at me a little funny and asked just what a half birthday is. We don't make it a habit of celebrating such a thing on a regular basis, but I thought under the circumstances that we should. And celebrate we did!

with these cookies,

and this book.

We even had some honorary guests.

Bergen ate and designed lightsabers while I read and soaked up every minute with my 10 and one perfectly half year old son.

If I only had a brain

2011-11-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

While getting ready for church on Sunday Nya asked me if she could have some brains. I quickly realized that she was asking for braids in her hair! She has been requesting this style everyday since. And when, not 10 minutes later, I see that she has undone my work I will ask her where her brains are, and she will say, "I took them out!"

daily schedule

2011-11-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

{looking mighty pleased with his work!}

People ask all the time if we have a schedule and what it looks like. This is the easiest question to answer about homeschooling. It is pinned up in the kitchen. You can go and see it for yourself. It looks good on paper!
But, as I am sure you have guessed, things don't always (almost never) go according to 'THE SCHEDULE'.
As much as I wish I were one of those naturally flexible fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants kind of people I am not. I have had to learn to be malleable along the way. I am a task master, a check-it-off-the-lister. After 3 years I think I am just beginning to find my way through this thing we call homeschooling.
For those who ask what my advice would be, to any homeschooling mom this is my #1:
Talk to as many people as you can, research and learn yourself, take the pieces you like and that you think will work for you and your family, leave what you don't, try new things, be patient - this is a process, and don't ever try to be someone else. Only you will know what is right for you. And even then sometimes you won't. It can be scary. But it will be okay.

So as far as the schedule is concerned - I do have one. It looks something like this:
Monday - math, music, piano lessons
Tuesday - language arts, library, fine arts
Wednesday - more of a free day (swimming lessons, life skills) Cubs and Achievement Day Girls
Thursday - science, health and career (my 8 year old upon hearing that we were doing a health and career class told me that she was far too young for a career! I couldn't agree more. But since we get money from the government we have somewhat of an outline to follow. So 'Health and Career' can be anything like, stranger danger, computer safety, fire safety, simple accounting, ect.)
Friday - social studies, second language, ballet, date night
Saturday - tap class, field trips, family swim and movie night

See, It looks good on paper. Now take this list and schedule in every temper-tantrum, every dirty diaper (or worse, underwear from the 3 year old who knows better where to go!). Schedule the laundry and the dishes, and the phone calls, and the errands, and the kids who just don't want to! ("I'm not interested in that", has become a common phrase these days.) I might have missed a few things, but it doesn't matter because they wouldn't fit anyways. Now take the schedule and throw it out the window, for today at least. Or better yet, clog up the toilet by flushing it down there! Tomorrow is another day and I can always try again. But for the most part the schedule is for my piece of mind. If I have a basic outline it helps me at least organize my thoughts and general direction, even if no one else is interested.

Now if I have completely scared you off homeschooling, don't be fooled. This homeschooling thing (whether it is right for you or not only you will know. Do what is right for YOU) is so rewarding. I love seeing my kids grow and learn and suddenly get a concept. I do love having them home. I don't love the noise and the chaos, but that is part of this imperfect and wonderful package. I do worry if I can give them enough, if I am smart enough, if they will be okay. The answer is yes and no. But we will figure this out together.

Days where I would love to be lost in my own little world doing something I want to do, are lost in books and equations, scissors, markers, and mess. But when your child comes to you and asks, "Can you teach me how to.....?" what could be more important than that?

If this is the path you have chosen, don't try and make your journey look just like Mrs. so-and-so's down the street or half way across the world in Blogland. This is about so much more than schooling. At the root of it all is simply relationships. These are the things that will be tested. These are the lessons that will help your children understand whatever else they need to know. You can't make them learn, but you can try to create an environment where they want to learn.

Now for the practical advice. (I still want someone to just give me something - anything I can put into practice today, without having to discover by it myself)
Schedule free time and stick to it. You will catch up later, or you won't, but you will be a better teacher and mom and you will have more attentive kids if everyone gets a break.
I get breaks in 2 ways.
First of all: Wednesday is our free day. This is the day that I can catch up on housework, or sewing, or blogging, or nothing. This is a day reserved for stories and games and knitting and curling up for hours with a book. We use to have this day scheduled on Friday, but I heard through a friend that she knew someone who took their breaks on Wednesdays, and it has been working out so much better for us. It provides a break in the middle before we need it instead of pushing through until we NEED it.
Secondly: I have a very supportive husband who allows me to have guilt free time doing things for myself. This year in particular I have had the opportunity to learn fencing and rowing. But even walking around Walmart or going to the library or a movie can do the trick.

Good luck!

If you are a homeschooling mom I would like to share one of the best articles I have read on the subject. No I take that back, moms everywhere can gain something from this. Enjoy!

the naughtiest kids in the world

2011-11-08T19:47:00.000-08:00

{photos by Shannon Wight - Real Life Photography}

Shocked? I know. But it is true. They live here sometimes.
As much as I would like to tell you that my children's feet never touch the ground, that they are always perfect little angels - they are not.
But neither a I!

My vision for my family when I began this adventure was one of perfection. I had high, impossible ideals.
I just knew that this was going to be my calling.
This is where I would truly shine.
This is what I was sent here to do!

And in the beginning things seemed promising. Then with each passing year and every additional child my vision was blurred. Clouded with crayon and play dough, and the discovery of "NO!".
All this has all caused me to feel like I have failed in the dream life I had perfectly planned out. I find discouragement creeping in. What happened? This is not what I ordered!

It is my sweet husband who gently brings me back down to earth by words filled with hope.
It is not the children who require adjustment, it is the plan. Just because this life looks different than I had pictured, just because my children don't behave the way I thought they would, just because I don't feel perfectly at peace with mothering every minute of every day, does not mean that I have failed or that there is something wrong with me or my children.

Sometimes I feel like I could be anywhere, doing anything right now. I could be really, really good at something.

But I am here, in the life I have chosen. And even though it looks different than my original vision, that does not make me a failure. I must learn to adapt. We no longer stroll down a manicured path. We have long since left that comfort behind as we carry on through thick jungle. This is not a one man job. Reinforcements are usually necessary.

But I see now that if it is I who change my picture of what should be, stop comparing this real life with that fantasy, I find acceptance - for children who jump on furniture, for children who question, for days that are long and anything but peaceful. In acceptance there is joy. The picture I carried was heavy, and I may from time to time open that box and long for that dream. But I will need to put it away again and live this life, this real life with noise and mess and stress, and little people calling, "MOM!" everywhere I turn.

I will learn to adapt. I will learn to manage crisis. I will be thrown in the deep end and learn how to swim. And much to the children's chagrin I can at least find peace in the fact that bedtime always comes, and when all is said and done and my children are put to the test, they are good, deep down to the core. In the moments that really matter they rise to the call, and so can I. This is what I was sent here to do.

may the force be with you.....there's no place like home.....little bo peep and her lost sheep

2011-10-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

Our primary hosted another wonderful Trunk or Treat, and it was so much fun!

The kids had a great time.

Way too much sugar was collected.

Now on Monday we can stay home, eat some candy and watch Scooby-Doo!

{Debra, you win for most fabulous trunk decorations}

all from the push of a button

2011-10-26T22:44:00.000-07:00

My mom gave her bread maker to me 8 years ago. I was pregnant with my 3rd child, and every night I would put the ingredients in and push the start button. In the morning we would wake to fresh homemade bread.

Then I had my baby and it went into the cupboard to gather dust. I recently took it out and started using it again. We have been baking bread and making dough for pizza, buns, and pretzels every day. The kids love making fun shapes and, even more, eating them.

Why?.... Why have I not been using it all along.

Autumn {Abby Lane Farm 2011}

2011-10-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

family virtues

2011-10-21T18:13:00.000-07:00

For those who care to know and those who ask me questions about the kinds of things we do for homeschooling I thought I would pass this along:

We started the Virtues Project this year. I am loving it. Every day the kids have the opportunity to earn appreciation cards when they have been seen displaying a virtue. When they earn a certain number of cards they get to pick a reward from the jar. I have had to put a cap on how many cards I distribute a day!

For those who feel that it is wrong to reward, that the act should be a reward in itself and that the kids will learn to do things for the wrong reasons - I hear you and I understand. I have worried about this myself. But when I see the things they are doing for each other and the areas in which we are all improving, I would rather have them learn these things and get a reward, than do nothing at all.

If you want to know more about this program (founded by locals) you can go here.

the heart of a child

2011-10-20T09:49:00.000-07:00

Last night on the way to Cubs, right out of the blue, Bergen said, "mom, I like hearing you and dad talk. I get to hear what happened at work, and sometimes I hear about some fun things you are planning........ and I get to hear funny stories about things that happened in your day (in your day! cute or what - I have 'a day!'). I could tell that this was one of those moments that needed to be handled with extreme caution - I needed to be very careful in my reception. Not too gushy that he would not want to share something like that again. Not too lightly that he would feel unheard. These thoughts were coming straight from his heart, so very sincerely. This is one of those gifts given to parents, usually few and far between, but just when it is needed most, to let a mother know that everything is alright - that children are feeling loved, that marriage and family are such amazing blessings, that I can do this and give my children what they need. The rest of the trip was driven in silence. But I sat there filled with hope. My heart felt like bursting out of my chest and I could not help but smile. My son, my 10 year old son, finds connection and comfort in the words and voices of his parents. How was I to know that as we connect as a couple, not only is the bond between husband and wife being strengthened but our ties to our children as well. I hope I will always remember just how much we hold the hearts of our children in our hands.

when I'm 3 I'll be queen of the world

2011-10-19T14:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Nya, You turned 3 this Sunday. 3 years old!

Noelle and Emma prepared gifts for you well before your birthday, and the morning of your birthday you asked me if you could open them. I told you that you needed to go and ask your sisters. You ran to the top of the stairs and yelled down to them as they were eating their breakfast, "SISTERS... SISTERS, SISTERS...... SISTERS! until they came up.

Nya, When you are grown and have a little one of your own, and you wonder what you were like when you were 3 I would want you to remember:

You love all things pink.
You love to sing and dance.
When you are upset at someone I will hear you say, "YOU ARE A RUDIE!" (your way of telling them that they are acting rude).
You love having your toe nails painted.
You love playing with your siblings (when they are not being rudies).
You LOVE your dad, and he in turn could not love you more!
You have a special blanket called Bmm, and it is your favorite thing.
You love Strawberry Shortcake, just like I did when I was small.
You love to go swimming, but you mostly want to sit in the hot tub (birds of a feather we are)
You love meat!
You say the same thing every morning to Daddy, "butter jam". This simply means, "breakfast, please!"
You can screech like nobodies business, and mostly you do it just because you can.
You kiss the picture of Jesus every night before you go to bed and say, "Jesus loves Nya!"
You love books.
You love your baby cousin Lyla.
You love the bath.
You prefer to wear dresses.
When someone asks you how old you are you will stick up 4 fingers and then with your other hand you will bend down your pinky and put it under your thumb and say, "not that one".
You love to give hugs and kisses.
You are feisty, but oh so sweet.
You love chap stick.
You love hand lotion.
You look most like Bergen, except girlie of course.
You want up a lot, and I need to remind myself that you will not want up forever and someday all too soon you will be too big for me to carry.
You have a great belly laugh.
You love animals, of all sorts.
My friends are your friends, and you think of them as such.
You love the beach.
You will say to me, "rowning (rowing), mommy?" every time I get ready to leave, and I love how you say it.
You love to do stamps right now and will sneak into the school room any time you can. Something I don't quite love you doing as much as you do.
You do the funniest things with your fingers. You will walk 2 fingers along your arm and up to your hair and when I follow your lead you will say, "Come in!" and we play a game using our fingers as people.
Daddy and I play a game with you that you love. When either of us is holding you the other will say, "My baby" and then steal you away. It will continue back and forth between the 2 of us until at the end we all hug and mom and dad will say, "Our baby!"
You have been the very best way to complete our family. We all love you SO much.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NYA!!!
love, mom

embracing unfamiliar {part 2}

2011-10-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

Over the past few years of blogging I have come across many, many blogs. Some I follow for a bit, while others I will follow for many more years to come.
I begin to feel like I know these ladies, and that if we ever met we would be friends for sure.

Some think it weird to read the blogs of those you don't know. I believe it can be used to view other ways of life, other peoples passion of Christianity, and it can open our eyes to the abundant blessings we have, even (and maybe most especially) the strength and purpose that can be gained through trials. There are many people out there doing such great things to make this world a better place by big and grand offerings of time and sacrifice, and I find myself wishing I could do the same. While others remind me that I am already doing a great work - that of raising a new generation, and that it can be fun and enjoyable, as simple and mundane as it can sometimes appear. They remind me of just how blessed I am, all without ever knowing they do so. Some I have much in common with, others are very different. The point - I can gain inspiration and a renewal of determination from each one, no matter how diverse we are.

I have a hope that someday I as an individual and all women as a whole will be able to join together, stop judging, and start loving each other for all we have to offer.

There is something I can learn from every person I meet. And to those whom I think I have something to give, often end up teaching me the most of all.

We are different. That is the way it is suppose to be.

We are so very powerful. We can bless the lives of others in a way that only our female hearts were created to do. But, we can also do great damage. I have done more than my share and have had to learn many lessons the hard way.
But....
I have also come very far. I can continue to learn and grow, and that is what I need to focus on.

Amanda from Soule Mama - When I read her I feel something. She inspires me to do better and be better. She challenges me to return to simpler ideals. I find myself wishing for a life much different than the one I set out to build when I began my family over a decade ago. Return to the basics, stop and smell the roses and expand your talents - these are the lessons I learn from her.

Sara from August Fields - She teaches me to relax and laugh. To love with an open heart. To enjoy this life with 5 kids however crazy it may become. To remember that each one of these mini's is the best blessing I could ever be given.

Sarah from Clover Lane - I learn to stick to my guns and do what I know is right, even if it goes against pop culture, AND not to feel badly about it. She teaches me that you can be friends with your kids while maintaining the position of leader and exemplar. She is honest with her short comings which in turn makes me love her more. She will not apologize for her beliefs or her standards. She is like a big sister showing me the way.

Edie from Life in Grace - Sometimes I laugh. Sometimes I cry. She exudes passion and determination. She is fun and happy. She reminds me to never give up, to live my life and give it everything I have.

Shannan from Flower Patch Farm Girl - She is just cool. She is one of those people who doesn't have to try. Yet she is humble and honest and so very refreshing. She pulls me back to the age of innocence I sometimes feel that my children and I have so long ago left behind. She shows me just how big a heart can get, and teaches me that charity is not an act, but a way of living, a condition of the heart and mind.

For these women, in different parts of the world, of different beliefs, different ages and backgrounds, destinations and orientation, for each of you who teach me to be happy in the skin I'm in, for every time you make me laugh, or I leave with my chest ripped wide open and my heart soft and vulnerable, I thank you.

No matter how different one may appear, no matter how little we may seem to have in common, the choice is always mine between humility or pride, between acceptance or exclusion. I can extend the hand of friendship at all times, even if it means that sometimes and most painfully no hand is unfolded in return. I can forgive myself when I have hurt and do all I can to change. And I can offer this to all people I come in contact with, in the hopes that I will learn to become a stronger yet softer person as I continue to embrace the unfamiliar.

off we go again

2011-10-13T11:29:00.000-07:00

Let's hope for sunshine!

at last

2011-10-12T16:55:00.000-07:00

I am not a hairdresser, and I will never profess to have hair savvy abilities, but when it comes to paying for a haircut for the children or trying to do it myself, I will try and do it myself. If I mess up too terribly bad, I will humbly go into the salon and have someone fix my sad attempt. But so far it has worked out alright. It is never perfect, but I have also paid for less than perfection, and that hurts a whole lot more than free.
Noelle has been wanting her hair cut for a while now, but I have been stalling and putting her off, for the above reasons. Also, she is not little anymore, well she's little, but she's not. And she wanted a big girl haircut. I was not so sure I could do what she wanted. So 3 loooooong months later I gave in. It is her hair after all and she seemed to trust in me a little more than maybe she should. So cut we did!

{before}

{after}

domestic help: of the mini variety

2011-10-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

It has been my privilege to have Owen and Lyla over Wednesday mornings while Julianne takes my 3 oldest kids for swimming lessons.

Today I had to sweep up some beads that fell on the floor, and Owen and Nya were more than happy to help!

True to form, Owen quickly turned it into a game of Hockey!

(even beads can be balls)

Lyla on the other hand prefers to ravage the magazines!

from my husband

2011-10-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

Darren finished my surfboard today. Thank you. I really, truly love it.

giving thanks

2011-10-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

I recently read an Ensign article entitled, "What Manner of Men and Women Ought Ye to Be?" This is one I will be reading again and again, as my family grows.

"A sweet and obedient child will enroll a father or mother only in Parenting 101. If you are blessed with a child who tests your patience to the nth degree, you will be enrolled in Parenting 505. Rather than wonder what you might have done wrong in the premortal life to be so deserving, you might consider the more challenging child a blessing and opportunity to become more godlike yourself. With which child will your patience, long suffering, and other Christlike virtues most likely be tested, developed, and refined? Could it be possible that you need this child as much as this child needs you?"

This article is changing the way I look at things. I have never really considered the question of what I may have done premortally, but I have certainly questioned, what am I doing wrong or maybe not doing that causes this to be so hard? I have felt extra tested lately, and I feel like I am failing miserably. There is something I can learn from each trial, even as painful as they are to go through. My job is to find out what that is, learn it and try to be and do better than I did before. I need these trials, for reasons I cannot see. And when I fail I need to believe that, "Through His Atonement, He heals not only the transgressor, but He also heals the innocent who suffer because of those transgressions. As the innocent exercise faith in the Savior and in His Atonement and forgive the transgressor, they too can be healed."

I try hard, but often I miss the mark. When I fall short of being the parent that these children need, I hope that He will fill in the blanks and make up not only for my mistakes, but for my short comings as well. When I feel inadequate I am comforted by the words, "There is no sin or transgression, pain or sorrow, which is outside of the healing power of His Atonement". This Thanksgiving I am so very grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, its power to heal and change lives, and the children, and the trials that I have been blessed with which are exactly what I need to be refined.

2011-10-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of this? Shannon showed this to me last time she was here. It is the greatest thing. I save pictures to my computer all the time - but this - this is so very cool. If you are on a website or blog and you see a picture you like you simply click a "pin it" application that you install in your bookmark bar. You then decide which board you would like to pin it to (home, kitchen, party, clothes, hair, ect.) simple, easy, neat and tidy. The very best thing about it, besides that you can keep all your pictures really organized is that the picture you have pinned will always be linked back to the original source from which you found it. This is great for credit, or instructions, or reference. I LOVE it.
I found this on Pinterest -

{source}

and I thought that it would be fun to make with the girls out of quilt scraps for their loft. (I have finished cutting all the squares for the girls quilts! I am making quilts, and I am so excited. Me, quilting!?) I only have 2 more birds to go! You can check Pinterest out here.

This is also where we found the idea for this skate board swing,

{source}

which has been a HUGE hit with the kids, and it was such a fun way for the boys and their dad to spend a Saturday afternoon!

Long Beach Continued - Through the Lens of the Fishers

2011-10-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

The other day Jen Fisher sent me some pictures she took of our trip to Long Beach. Not that I could ever forget my first time surfing, but thanks to her, I have a couple of pictures to go with the memories. Thank you Jen!

Nya & me

Darren

Kaylee & Emma

Noelle & Lauren

Darren & Berg

Brent

Jen & me

Brent & Tracey

Olivia & Noelle

Julianne & me

Darren & me

Owen & Nya

pencil cases

2011-09-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

In celebration of a new school year I wanted to put together a pencil case filled with new pencils, stickers, scissors, glue, ect. for each of the kids. So off I went to Walmart (dragging Julianne with me!) to stock up on school supplies. But then we ended up in the fabric isle! When I saw all the fun prints they have I thought that it would be so much more fun to sew new pencil cases instead of buying them! The fabric is pretty thin though, so I used an iron on interfacing to stiffen it up a bit. With the exception of Bergen's they all turned out pretty cute. I will have to sew another 1 for him. It is tricky to find a fabric for a boy his age. It cannot be too "little boy" for him, and a girl can only take so much camo in her life after all.

(Julianne, how does 1 go back to sewing with scissors after using a rotary blade!? I do not think it is possible!)

for Emma

for Noelle

for Tate

kid history

2011-09-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law Julianne e-mailed this to us this morning. There are no words. Just watch!

WARNING: Your 2 year old may begin to walk around the house saying, "That's nasty, Dude!"

the full McCullough family photo shoot

2011-09-25T21:31:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law, Shannon, came up a couple of weekends ago to take some photos of the whole McCullough clan for her parents. She is such an amazing photographer. As I watched her work I felt 2 things: first of all - I was in awe of her talent and ability to know what to do, where to stand, and every other thing that needs to be taken into consideration when shooting outside - wind, sun, shadows, bees! Secondly - I do not want her job! The seemingly simple task of taking a picture is not so simple. Trying to co-ordinate 12 children, to have then all smiling and looking at the camera at the same time, as Shannon sets the timer and runs back to join us for the picture, in the hopes that everyone will be looking ahead, hopefully smiling, but in the very least not crying, is about as chaotic as it sounds. She did it, as she always does, with patience and kindness and incredible crazy camera skills. Shannon, thank you! I feel like the luckiest mom, sister, daughter, auntie, and wife to have every single 1 of these people in my family! I love you all.

a september saturday

2011-09-03T17:47:00.000-07:00

There's no place like home, except maybe Tofino

2011-08-26T10:49:00.000-07:00

LONG BEACH 2011

Things to remember:

- Nya slept really well and did much better overall than I had anticipated

- Long Beach is so much more beautiful than I remember

- our van worked well except for the 1 time we had to jump start it because we left the interior lights on and drained the battery

- Darren drove the truck with the boys and all the toys and I drove the van with the gear and the girls, so I didn't get car sick at all

- the pizza in Tofino is HUMUNGOUS

- EVERYTHING gets dirty, that is just part of camping

- but everything also comes clean again, and hot showers feel so good

- my husband is pretty cool!

- my sisters-in-law are the very best kind of people

- We saw a Barenaked Lady (of the musical variety, that is)

- Darren shared a wave with Sarah Mclachlan (also of the musical sort)

- I, after 13 years of Darren trying to get me out there, surfed! And I got up the very first time I tried! My thoughts about this: Why did I wait so long? And there is nothing like catching that wave. As Billabong says ,"only a surfer knows the feeling". I now understand (to a very small degree) the passion my husband has for this. I am absolutely hooked!

It was too fun to have Mike, Julianne, Brent, Lauren, Darren and myself all out at the same time surfing in the ocean together.

- I am so very glad I went. I cannot wait for the next time!

a move, but not my own

2011-08-20T21:50:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged about this yet for many reasons. Most of all because it is just hard and sad. But worthy to be remembered when I am old and gray, so here we go.
My parents moved. Moved from being only 8 minutes away to being another province away, and frankly it stinks. Because the truth is I am not strong. Not like I wish to be anyway. I miss them. I want them, selfishly, to always be there whenever I need them. I would want them to stay here just for me and my children forever and ever. But that is not the way it is suppose to be right now. God has a different plan for us all, and although I cannot see it, I must trust that He can and that He knows what is best, and that someday I will understand. But for now it hurts and I cry, and then I carry on and it is okay. Or at least it will be.

Dear mom and dad,

I want to thank you for all the years you devoted to raising me.

I am grateful for the love you gave when I was small and lovable,

and even more so for the love you showed when I was big and rather hard to love.

Thank you for teaching me about my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

This above all else will forever be the best gift I could have possibly been given.

Thank you for your love that now extends to my children,

and for your continued faithfulness and examples.

I love you. I miss you. I want you back. But I wish you all the best.

Until we meet again please know how much you matter.

Love, your girl

moving:

2011-08-18T19:58:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are wondering - we are not moving. I never meant to so coyly hint and then leave you hanging. Now that I have said that here is the deal - I am a home body. I love being home. I am not a super social person, although I do love people. I set down roots and I dig deep. I love the idea of having my grown children come home to the house that was their own for all of their childhood. I hope that they will love it always and want to return. I love my house, my yard, my community. I love living 5 minutes from church. I love living 2 minutes from the beach. I love my life. But.....

there is a dream! There is a part of me, be it ever so small, that longs for adventure. I imagine selling it all and packing up our littles and moving far, far away while everyone is still young. I feel like I have this amazing window wherewith I could go anywhere and do anything with little protest from the kids. I feel the desire to step out of my own backyard and be immersed in a different culture. I feel something pulling me. It is pulling me away from comfort, and to the unfamiliar. I feel my heart changing. I feel myself excepting. Is there something else in store for me that I am being prepared for?
So when I say that we may or may not be moving, it will not be happening for a few years yet, if at all. Maybe it is enough that I would be willing to go. Maybe we are meant to stay here for the remainder of our lives. Maybe we will never live that dream. And if that is the case than we will most certainly live another kind of dream, the 1 we are already in.

homesteading

2011-08-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

It could be due to the fact that we have been reading a lot of "Little House on the Prairie" books, or it could have been "My Side of the Mountain". It could very well be Soule Mama (more on her later), or it could simply be the part of me that dreams of being that mom who can do anything and make everything. But whatever it is I have had an overwhelming desire to learn to can, quilt, knit, garden, and farm.
So Julianne and I got together and did some canning. We canned honey, pear and vanilla bean jam and syrup, plum jam (thanks Katie for the plums!), apricot jam, peaches, and blueberry syrup. It has been so fun to see the shelves fill up with the food I have made for my family.
I am so excited for those cold winter mornings when we all stay in our jammies and eat peaches and waffles with blueberry syrup! (although I am not rushing summer nor heralding snow)

Julianne

Owen

Lyla

My cute canning cohorts!

oh siblings, where art thou?

2011-08-09T16:35:00.000-07:00

Grandma and Grandpa McCullough took the 4 oldest children to the Chemainus Theatre today to see 'Snow White', leaving Nya home alone with me. I planned a busy, but quiet, afternoon. I scheduled the carpets to be cleaned and thought I would begin to calendar the fall semester for home school. This all would have worked out beautifully, except for the fact that I couldn't put Nya down for her nap because the cleaners were here. So instead I ended up chasing a turkey around the house and backyard. A turkey who almost doesn't know what to do with herself without all her built-ins. It struck me this afternoon just how much she (and I) depend on them. Nya wants to be pushed on her bike. Nya wants up on the trampoline. Nya needs this. Nya needs that. And for the most part I don't do these things. The other children do. Nya knows no other way of life. She has never been without them. I on the other hand have become accustom to the extra help that is offered by the older children, and I gladly except it. I am grateful for their love and care for each other. I use to be the 1 who would push the swings, pull the wagons and piggy back babes, but I have been replaced with much younger and much more exciting models. Does this make me a terrible mom?, maybe. But since my children want to be with each other I figure I must be doing something right. And since my kids are okay with that, then so am I. I am still the 1 who provides comfort, protection and love. I know this because they want me at the first sign of fear or pain or simply when they need to talk or be hugged. But for fun they know that is found with their built-in-friends. So when people ask me if 5 is a lot of work. I can say that yes it is but so is 1, just in a very different way.

where i fear to tread

2011-08-05T16:41:00.000-07:00

I can take my children almost anywhere. I go to Superstore without fear! We brave Walmart, the video rental store, the post office, Michael's, Home Sense and even, but with a little more coaching and trepidation, we frequent the public library - Shhhh! I have realized that they will, and they do learn how to behave. I leave feeling worn out sometimes, but on the whole, and probably because I have learned that the time bomb is ticking - I go in, I grab, I get out, and we most often have success! Having everyone use the washroom and making sure that they are feed and hydrated helps a big whole bunch.
But there is 1 place where it really doesn't matter how much prep work I do it is always a flop.
The fabric store.
I do not know what happens when we enter those doors. I do not know if it is the overwhelming temptation of all those hiding places, the plentiful colors to distract or little buttons, patches, threads spools and sequins to touch. It could be that they have my blood and see the possibilities of all that fabric and the excitement is too much. It could be that they somehow know that mom needs to think, she needs to think REALLY HARD. At other places I am certainly careful with what I spend money on but I pretty much buy without commitment knowing that if I get home and change my mind I can always return without worry. But at the fabric store once those scissors are out the deal is done, like it or not! They will be no returns, no refunds, and therefore my choices take extra certainty on my part. Did I ever mention that I am quite indecisive. Well maybe I'm not so bad. No, really I am. Could it be that at other places there are lots of other moms in the same boat (albeit sometimes smaller, but the same) and that our chaos is 1 of many and therefore less noticed by myself and others? It could very well be the quiet, proper manner with which seems to be the standard for the quilt sewing female employees of the fabric shop, who with every glance seem to silently speak, "silly woman, this is no place for children"? (I really haven't ever been treated badly at the fabric store. They have always been lovely and helpful. It is most likely my very own thoughts) And yet, despite all of this, I hold out hope and I go to the material store. 1 day either they or I will learn better, and there will be quieter more confident trips into fabric heaven. Trips where I actually leave having made a purchase!

Parksville

2011-08-05T16:00:00.000-07:00

Every summer we head up to Parksville - we love it there. We were able to get up there this Saturday along with Mike, Julianne, Owen and Lyla. We played on the playground, we got wet in the water park, we enjoyed the beach, we even fit in a few games of tennis! And, as 1 just must, we ended the day off with ice cream cones!

I feel so very blessed to live in this most beautiful place. I feel confusion at the fact that we feel something else may be awaiting our family. I feel that I should be contented and satisfied. But then I realize that I am not asking, seeking or even wanting something more, I am wanting something different. Maybe wanting is not even the right word. Maybe I am needing something else. Maybe there is something I need to learn somewhere other than here.

We may or may not have a big move ahead of us, but 1 thing is for sure - no matter where life takes us, whether we stay and grow old here or find home on some other part of the world it will be an adventure I don't want to miss, and I am so grateful to be able to share it with Darren and all our mini's.

running!

2011-07-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

So everyone is asking how it is going - it is not. I have decided that I REALLY don't like it. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something hard, something I didn't want to do, and that I did. So instead of feeling badly about this I have decided that it is a good thing. I tried, and I did, and I found something I don't like to do. On to the next!
I love to fence. I love to play tennis. I love to row. I love Tae Bo. So I choose to do these things. I am a really firm believer that everyone should find out what they love to do and do it! How else will this be accomplished except by trial and error.
There are already too many things in life that I have to do that I don't enjoy. If I am going to spend precious time away from my family doing things for myself - it better be for something I love. If you love to run, RUN! I support you all the way! If you do not, find out what you do like to do and do it!

2 blogs into 1

2011-07-18T20:57:00.001-07:00

I have been feeling the need to simply my life. Managing 2 blogs is too much. I have also been feeling the desire to post less about our home and the projects we are doing. I love it, I hope I always will, but priorities have changed and I need to focus my efforts else where. So for now I will only be posting on our family blog. We have been doing some renovations around here but they are not cosmetic, they are internal. We don't know what this means or where it may take our family! But we do have quite a few loose ends to tie up and unfinished projects to complete.
One of them being the master bathroom......

{before}

This bathroom took longer than I ever expected it would, but I was very patient where I normally am not.
I usually make due with "good enough" and then when I find "just perfect" I always wish I had taken my time.
We have a couple of minor things left to do, but for the most part we are done.

{after}

Darren was not at all excited when I told him that I wanted to paint the walls all white. He now thinks it turned out really nice - why does he still doubt, silly boy!

(I must admit if I were to be honest I had my concerns as well. We had never done board and batten all the way to the ceiling before, and white at that. I almost talked myself out of it several times. In the end I am glad that I stuck to my original vision. It is so bright and clean.)

I have a couple of black and white photos that Shannon took of us when she was here that I want to frame and hang on this blank wall. But that will have to wait until the next time I get over to Ikea. It is a long and expensive trip for $20 picture frames. But I will get there.... someday...

Bmm

2011-07-18T10:20:00.000-07:00

Bmm is the name of a blanket.

A most beloved pink blanket given to Nya when she was born by Auntie Julianne and Uncle Michael.

I am not entirely sure when it was promoted and became the first and most favorite head blanket,

but since that day nothing can compare.

Once soft and fluffy now torn and matted - but Nya remains loyal to her Bmm.

So when it needs a wash we can be found in the laundry room.

United once again........

until the next washing day!

embracing unfamiliar {part 1}

2011-07-16T10:47:00.000-07:00

I like to think of myself as a non judgemental person. A person who can get along with most other people. I was soon to learn that pride comes before the fall.

A little while ago I met someone. Almost upon introduction I made up my mind that I did not like her. I judged her. I formed an opinion of her by the first few words out of her mouth, and dismissed that she could have anything future to say that would change that opinion.

I am ashamed of this.

But it did not last very long before my heart softened and I was given a second chance, not by her, but by the sweetness of a Father in heaven who changes lives one heartbeat at a time. I made up my mind to treat her with respect and civility, and at least meet her with a smile no matter what was returned. In this way I would feel better about myself. In this way I would be a Christian.

So every time after, I met her in this manner. But there was more to learn. God was not finished with me yet. This was not enough. You see a funny thing happens when you open your heart to acceptance. You cannot extend a sincere hand of friendship without charity filling your heart. It is now so obvious to me that what I perceived to be arrogance was not. It was simply a difference in social propriety. I now look upon her in a softer light. You learn that even the most prickly person has goodness in them. Sometimes you must look very hard, but it will be shown to you. I never intended to truly understand this woman. I simply decided to change my actions, but once this decision was made it changed my heart instead. This is where Christianity came into the equation. Not when I simply decided to act Christian to come off the better person. That was quite the opposite.

Then one evening she shared her day with me, something I had not expected. It had been a particularly challenging one for her. And I saw her for what she really is. None of us are the clothes we wear, the house we own, or the friends we claim. And we are certainly not the way we appear to others. We are children of God. He values and loves each and every person, and He asks the same from us.

She is every bit as human as I am. She has weaknesses, but she also has strengths. And there is something I can learn from her.

I would not want to be judged for good and forever by my weaknesses, nor by my worst days. I hope that people will be forgiving and gentle. I wish to be seen by my good points, not the bad. Everything I hope for myself I was unwilling to offer her. I had been the prickly one. I had been the one in need of charity. In the end it was I who changed, not her. And I am grateful for it. I pray that next time I will be able to see more clearly from the start and never deny myself the friendships that may await and the lessons that I can learn from those who may appear upon first impression to have the least to give.

taking out the trash

2011-06-29T18:41:00.000-07:00

We had a very strange discussion at the dinner table tonight. My oldest child just asked when she could have a turn to take the garbage out. To which I responded, "uh, now?" The other 2 older children then began to ask if they could take the garbage out, 1 of then actually saying that it was there job! And that they, "have been doing it for years!"
Who knew that taking out the trash was so much fun!

through my window

2011-06-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

It is a sunny Sunday afternoon and I am doing the dishes. I see my 2 year old (in her nightgown that she has changed herself into after church, clutching her baby doll) outside with my 10 year old son, taking her by the hand and leading her along, pausing in patience to show her all the wonders we tend to over look as we grow up. My heart is suddenly filled with hope....

I wonder more than my share if my children will be okay. I worry that I cannot give them what I would be able to give them if I wasn't so divided. I feel badly some days that they get such a tattered and tired mom. Then I see the tenderness so freely given from a boy of 10 to a girl of 2, and it is cemented in my heart that this family is a gift, not a burden, to all involved. How else would these attributes be developed. My children will have to make more sacrifices than some, whether it be time with mom and dad, not being able to take each and every extra-curricular activity they would like, or not having a room of their own. They will have to learn to share, how to resolve conflict, how to cope with stress and noise and people who are of a very different personality. Their patience, as well as mine, will be tested, but their charity will expand. There are lessons they will only learn from being a part of a family. There are gifts and talents to be gained and developed through life with so many siblings. Where I lack they begin and they will give to each other a special kind of love that will fill in all the empty spaces I cannot fill to overflowing. And everything will be okay.

At the end of more days than not I feel that I have accomplished nothing. I somehow dismiss all the hours I didn't have time to sit down. When will changing a diaper, bathing a baby, reading a story, wiping a tear, or doing the laundry be enough to qualify as "something". These things that seem so mundane are the things a family is built on.

I do not have more burdens than you, neither do I have less. I am not more or less abundantly blessed. We must stop comparing ourselves and our families to an impossible picture of perfection. We all have weaknesses, not 1 of us is perfect, no matter how it may appear from the outside. We all have trials. This post could be about anything. You may not have 5 kids, and feel like you don't relate. This is not about having 5 children - this is about a personal struggle I have of feelings of inadequacy that is brought about by my fear that I cannot give enough to so many children. I do not regret this choice, not ever, but I do wonder if I am up for the task. This may not be your trial, but you will have your share, and we need to somehow come to the understanding that this is the process through which we grow and learn and become more like our Savior Jesus Christ. On days I don't make it into the shower, on days that I hope no one comes knocking at the door, on days that I feel like I simply don't have it in me, I am shown a way. I am lovingly brought back by very small and simple means to a remembrance that no matter what my trials - I am blessed.

Next time I feel like I didn't get anything done, I will look around at my children and try not to focus on the fight, but the resolution and the lesson that comes with that, not at the dirty dishes but the fact that I had food to feed my family. I will not dismiss the story reading or the diaper changing or the laundry folding as nothing of worth, but as the means by which a family is raised. Everyday THAT is what I am spending my time doing, and that takes a woman of faith, however feeble that faith may seem, in her Heavenly Father that He does and will continue to provide a way for miracles to happen in a heart that is so small and eyes that cannot see what He can see - an end that is beautifully brought about by the little nothings we do each and every day. At times when we do not believe we can do it, He knows we can. He knows what is best for us, and He will provide a way. There is something to be learned in all things. Even if we cannot see it, just believing this can help us through. We do not always need to understand why, we just need to believe that He has faith in us that we can do it. Whatever "it" is. When someone asks you what you did today and you feel like you have nothing to show to account for the hours, please say at least in your heart, "I am raising a family, 1 day at a time!"

The Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson

"It started to happen gradually. One day I was walking my son Jake to school. I was holding his hand and we were about to cross the street when the crossing guard said to him, 'Who is that with you, young fella?' 'Nobody,' he shrugged. Nobody? The crossing guard and I laughed. My son is only 5, but as we crossed the street I thought, 'Oh my goodness, nobody?'

I would walk into a room and no one would notice. I would say something to my family - like 'Turn the TV down, please' - and nothing would happen. Nobody would get up, or even make a move for the remote. I would stand there for a minute, and then I would say again, a little louder, 'Would someone turn the TV down?' Nothing.

Just the other night my husband and I were out at a party. We'd been there for about three hours and I was ready to leave. I noticed he was talking to a friend from work. So I walked over, and when there was a break in the conversation, I whispered, 'I'm ready to go when you are.' He just kept right on talking.

That's when I started to put all the pieces together. I don't think he can see me. I don't think anyone can see me.

I'm invisible. It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all.

I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this?

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.' I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again.

She's going... she's going... she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of-style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.'

It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it.' And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.'

That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

God sees the invisbile mom!"

end of quote

running log - day 6

2011-06-23T20:20:00.000-07:00

6.4 km. 47 minutes.

running log - day 5

2011-06-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

Today was hard. I did not want to run.
6.4 km in 50 minutes. I think I will stick with this distance for a while and work on shortening the time and lengthening the running segments. Right now it is approximately 50% walking 50% running.
I did feel stronger today. This, I think, is a good sign! I was getting pretty bad running cramps, which I am sure is due to 2 things - lack of water and lack of oxygen. I drank before I ran today and the cramps were much better, but my post 5 pregnancies bladder was not so co-operative and I had to stop twice for a bathroom break (good thing the washrooms are right there). The lack of oxygen part is a little more tricky. I have ever since I was 18 had a breathing problem, nothing serious so I have not done much about it after my first attempt at going to the doctors and trying to figure it out. He told me that it could be anything. End of story. This was not my regular family doctor, just a drop in clinic in the transition of moving cities. I cannot do as they say and breath in through my nose and out through my mouth while exercising. This has always been the case. I cannot expand my lungs enough to take in enough air. I have to breath in through my mouth as well as out. I will be talking to my wonderful family doctor about this next week when I go and see him. More information than you probably care to know about me, but I want to chart my progress and see the improvement in different areas.
Oh, and I would love to find some super good runners.

running log - day 4

2011-06-18T16:59:00.000-07:00

- 6.4 km
- day 2 was harder than day 4
- the middle is harder than the end
- I think I pulled a muscle in my leg
- the house work is suffering

Emma's baptism - May 29th, 2011

2011-06-16T13:10:00.000-07:00

Emma has been asking when she could get baptized for 2 years! The date never changed, "when you turn 8", was always the answer. But in her mind it could not have come fast enough. Needless to say, this was 1 very excited little girl! Congratulations Emma. May this day always be a blessing in your life. Thank you to all our wonderful family and friends who helped make this day so special, and to Debra for taking such beautiful pictures. To Emma - Thank you for being the amazing person you are and sharing yourself and your spirit with us. You are my sunshine. We love you.

running log - day 3

2011-06-16T12:33:00.000-07:00

Please feel free to skip this post (and all future chronicles) if you find it boring. This is for my remembrance.

I took Wednesday off, but I ran again today (by running I mean run/jog/walk, whatever I can manage really!). This time my mom and my sister-in-law, Julianne came with me.
5.6 km - that is 3.5 miles for my southern friends. But I'll stick with km, it just sounds like more!
(and for the record I am not 1 of those people who enjoy this. It is pure torture - but the satisfaction of pushing myself and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards is worth it all.)

If it doesn't kill me it will make me stronger! (that's what they say anyways)

2011-06-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

4.8 km today. Now I am off to take the hottest bath in history - if I can make it up the stairs that is!
As my children say, "It is harder that it looks". Hats off to all my runner friends out there!

everyone is doing it!

2011-06-13T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today was the day for me to start doing something I have never had the desire to do before. Running, that is. I packed a bag with snacks and a blanket, piled all the kiddo's in the van, tied up my shoes and drove to the track. I was interested to see how it would all work out, with 5 kids in tow that is. It was so great! With a fence running around the whole perimeter of the track, a playground inside the fence, and my older children helping, everyone was kept safe and happy. They sat on the blanket and ate. They played on the playground. They ran/walked with me! They cheered me on, and we all had a wonderful time. I ran/walked 4.4 km, which is not a lot for some, but it is more than nothing, which is my record so far! I am actually excited about going again tomorrow!