Not long ago I knew. I was confident and right where I thought I wanted to be. I had no intention of leaving comfort for displacement. But God has a way of changing hearts and humbling his children, and his ways aren't usually comfortable. We do not grow there.
As I have trudged through these recent trials I have felt alone, but time has changed my perspective. My mind is filled with small thoughts, that seem to be gently whispered, just when I need them most. Just when I feel as though my heart can take no more, I am given by the grace of God, a small little piece of the puzzle that makes the big picture a little more clear. I still cannot see it all, and I will not until it is complete, but I am given one more small section that somehow gives me the hope of something whole. I can see now that as hard as this has been, and as alone as I have felt, I never was. I can see now how far I have come. God popped my social bubble, and I was left to wander. He ripped my chest wide open, and exposed all my insecurities. He knew what I needed in order to grow and become something better than I could have been in that pleasant position.
I can see now that my dependence upon others to secure my place in life was misplaced. Christ was never part of the in-crowd. He knows what it is to wander lonely halls. He knows what it feels like to be an outsider. He knows our pains and our hurts. He knows how my soul aches as I push the insecurities down and force out one more smile. The empty hole left behind from the heart ache, leaves me with a much bigger sanctum for love. And my mind is filled with the thought that everything is going to be okay, not simple and cushy, or unchallenging, or effortless, but his hands will hold mine and he will walk along with me.
I reflect back upon my own actions - could I have ever, no matter how innocently, projected exclusivity? Could I have been the cause of these kinds of feelings in others? I am sure that I have. My walls have been built up, my pride in the way of the person I want to become, the person others deserved me to be. I have turned my shoulder when I should have offered my hand. What can I do? How can I change? I want to retreat, but I must reach out and face the fear of rejection. I must love even if none is returned. I must be courageous and kind. I will be more careful with the words that I say, the people I walk past, and the hearts I hold. I will look for the goodness in myself and those I met, everyone I met. These are the things I need to take and learn from this. These are the things that will bring about the change of heart I seek. These are even the things that will help in the healing.
My eyes still sting and my heart still hurts. What if I never "belong"? I have no direction. No safe circle to escape into. Where do I go from here? I don't know. Once ones social walls crumble it seems an impossible task to make sense of the mess, but day by day, the dust settles, and the sun shines through, and I begin to find the way. But this time it is not my way, it is His. I will put my trust in Him that he can heal my heart, that he will take me places I never knew I would go.
So what if I never belong? I belong to Him, and that is all that matters.
