What a lovely way of saying how much you love me

I had big plans. If it were ever to happen again I would keep it to myself for as long as possible this time, because you see I would not get sick. This time would be different.

Happen it did. And it began with high hopes. But as the nausea grew, excitement faded. Slowly life began to shut down, life as I know it anyhow. The hope that had filled my heart, hope of health and strength is overcome with despair. I cannot do this again. I am not strong enough.

I lie in bed. I re-read this and cry for myself. This is my fate. This is the course my body will always take when new life grows inside. This is the road I am left to travel, and it feels too hard. It is too much to bear. Why did I hold out hope?

Because hope is the only option. It is all you have when faced with hardship. If we begin without hope we end without vision. I believe in the mercy of a God who loves me, I believe He could remove this burden from me, but when He doesn't I am left to wonder and wander. Hope slowly, but surely evaporates, although not entirely as I had first suspected.

In my desperation to fill minutes that tick ever so slowly on, I find this and I cry again, but not for myself this time, for the loss of another and the health of new life growing in me. 

Hope for a different kind of pregnancy than my body seems capable of providing is gone, hope of being able to carry this secret surprise until it would no longer be hidden behind carefully chosen clothing and well positioned arms, the hope of health, the strength to maintain a sense of normalcy for my family, and an ability to remain engaged with my husband and children is gone. But the hope itself has not disappeared, only has it changed identity without my even realizing. 

The worry of how I will ever find the time and energy to care for another human being is replaced with the shadow of a fear of how will I ever be the same if I don't get that opportunity. It is then that I discover that I am not without hope, that hope simply has a new home, in womb under heart. It is the hope for the unborn, it is a hope of health and wholeness for this tiny person. No longer does my suffering matter, no matter what must be waded through, I will do it with renewed hope in new life.

Yet the chance remains that my fate could follow the pathway to loss.

Whatever happens, whatever the outcome, I must remember that His purpose, not mine will be accomplished. If that means a baby in my arms at the end of this journey or one more soul up heaven, is not mine for the deciding. He is holding me as I hold this promise of a child.

Yet the truth of my state lingers still as I remain out of commission. And when the guilt and the worry become all too much and I wake in the morning crying - I don't even know what they've eaten for the past week, or if they even remember that they have a mother, much like the lost boys, do they know I am here even though I am not there - it is then that my very own seven year old "lost boy" walks in with hot pancakes and says, "Breakfast in bed! . . . Do you know that we all love you mom, and that we are all trying to take care of you?" How could I not? It is I who should be caring for you, but instead it is them taking care of me.

I wish I could report that I was graceful in trials and patient in affliction. I cannot. However, I can say that hope remains, that, and the love of my family, the tender strength of my husband and the willing support of friends will see us through.

Hopefully . . .

Ode to Sunshine {Inspired by Dr. Seuss and The Cat in the Hat}

The sun did not shine.

It was too wet to play.

So we sat in the house 

All that cold, cold, wet day.

We sat there together.

We sat there, us all.

Only dad worked outside 

As the rain, it did fall.

For five days it poured.

For five days it rained.

Until our poor mother

thought she might go insane.

She schooled us and schooled us

'Til we each had enough.

What we need, our dear mother

Is more interesting stuff.

Books are amazing, 

Books are such fun.

But what children like best

Is to play in the sun.

We read books of adventure,

Learn of lands far away,

But the way we learn best

Is to put books into play.

We dig down to China,

Find treasure in sand.

We travel to Hogwarts -

 What a magical land.

From up in the tree tops

We spy pirates on sea.

Grab your swords mates, get ready -

Black Beard it may be!

These games can be played 

While inside the house.

But, dear mother, we've noticed

Your hair falling out.

We are noisy and loud

As you full well know.

 Our imaginations, dear mother 

They need room to grow.

One day, no problem,

Quite possibly two.

But five days of rain?

That will just never do. 

Just when we thought 

Our dear mother would crack,

We woke up this morning

And what had come back?

Birds where chirping and singing

Way up in the trees,

For the sun had returned.

We all felt so pleased.

We are leaving the house!

Our dear mother exclaimed.

We are driving away 

Before someone gets maimed.

Pack your bags, get your shoes

Grab a snack so your fed.

We will not be returning 

'Til the sun goes to bed.

Then sweet little children,

When your good and sleepy,

We'll come back to our house.

I no longer feel weepy!

Upstairs we will climb,

And your prayers will be said.

I will kiss you all sweetly

And tuck you in bed.

Then, my dear children,

My thanks I'll express,

For this day of sunshine -

Dear Lord, I feel blessed.

I thank thee for rain.

It waters our crops.

The problem is simply

When it just will not stop.

The sunshine you see, 

It does so much more

 Than to simply feed plants.

It makes spirits soar!

Now children grow strong 

From the foods they consume. 

But the sunshine they get, 

It drives away gloom.

If you want happy children, 

And a mother that's sane,

Add lots of sunshine,

instead of just rain. 

rising above

That morning we left was cold. I was chilled - chilled through flesh right to bone. The sky, grey and wet. Jackets and sweaters adorned our shoulders. We knew that we would some be able to shed these layers, but for the time they offered warmth and comfort, until such a time . .

The plane took off through rain and fog. It rose higher and higher until at last we passed through those dark clouds. And then it filled the entire sky right through the windows of the plane and into cold flesh. The sun - it is always there. This thought so obvious, yet never pondered. No matter the .... that loom over head, behind all of that, always, and forever, the sun shines on, never ceasing.

Life is filled with all sorts of days. Some are filled with blinding light, yet many are filled with sorrow, weakness and pain. Our job is to never lose sight of the sun and when at times it is lost from view we need remember it is still there and it with always burst through those clouds.

He is always there. We may be left to feel the chill for a time, but that does not mean that he is not there. Nothing dims the sun. It is all perspective. We need to learn how to rise above, reaching for that sun that will live our lives with light and hope and peace and joy.