Therapy

First of all I should say that this post is more for me than anyone else. It always helps me clear my head to write. Why, I wonder do I let the unimportant things clutter my time, my thoughts and my life. In the heat of the moment I feel so justified in getting upset at the kids for any number of things that they do through out the day, over looking all the most amazing things that they do right and good. I stress about all the unfinished projects and chores, instead of looking at the things I did accomplish that day. I spend alot of time and energy trying to keep the house clean and the kids in order, telling myself that I will sit and relax, enjoy or just play as soon as.......... That time never comes. There is always one more dish to wash, one more load of laundry to start, one more bill to pay, one more phone call to return. My mind is filled with all the appointments that need to be remembered or the shirt that I need to return to one of the kids friends or the lesson that I need to plan for Sunday. All of these things are important and need to be done. I don't need to be told how to plan better or that I just need to relax. I need to find balance from within myself. I want to focus on the great things in my life. I have the most incredilble husband, four of the BEST kids in the world, not perfect, but so great and amazing. I have a new baby coming very soon. I have everything that I could possibly want in life, a nice safe house, food, friends, a belief in something bigger and better than myself. For this in paticular I will be forever grateful to my parents. If nothing else, they gave me a firm religious foundation from which I have built this beautiful life that I have. I wish to care less about what other people think about me and more about what my family thinks of me. I wish to find a balance in housekeeping and child raising. These two do not seem to want to go togther very gracefully. I want to remember that I will not wish that my house had been cleaner, when my kids are grown and gone. I want to absorb every minute I am going to have with this last most precious baby girl I am having and just let the world pass me by, realizing that I won't be missing much, but remember what I would be missing if I don't slow down. I wish I could maintain an eternal perspective. All the things I want, all the things I care about and worry about, 90% percent of these things have no bearing on where I want to go when my life is over. I hope that I will be able to say that I enjoyed something everyday, that my kids, family and friends knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I loved them, that I will have done some good in the sight of God. Life is so precious to just let pass me by. When Iremember the best memories I have, they never invole the new couch I wanted, the sparkling clean bathroom, money, or the way I looked in front of other people. They are the walk Darren and I took in the snow as newly weds, talking about our lives, how many children we wanted, how great life was going to be. I remember the trip we took to Disneyland and the best day of that trip was the day we spent running in the waves at the beach with the kids and writing in the sand with sticks. I remember the birth of each baby and how absolutely in love I was with them. The point of all of this is simply for me to realize how grately I have been blessed in my life, to stop looking for and wanting more, when everything I could possibly ever want is right here in front of me. To stop caring about how I look to everyone else around me. That is not to say that it doesn't hurt sometimes, just that I will not let what others think define who I am. I wish that I could always be as in love with my husband as I am right after we have a new baby, the closest I ever feel to him. I wish to love my children as much as I do when I go in at night to check on them when they are sleeping. I wish to treat others for who they are in the sight of God. I wish to serve those around me without feeling burdened. There are those moments in life when all these things I wish for seem easy enough, but it is in the hussle of everyday life that it is the hardest to find balance. Balance, that is what I wish for most. That is my true test in life.