a full house and an empty womb

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Preface: I shouldn't have to do this, after all it is my blog. But I will. 

It is hard to push that "publish post" button sometimes. I may tell you more information than you ever cared to know. I am sure that I will lose readers along the way. And I will have to be okay with that. In my desire to be real through this blog, I learn to be real with myself.

I want my blog to be a place where I can be absolutely honest. There are pieces of my life, of the lives of my family, that are and will remain private. There are others that, for whatever reason, I feel inclined to share. With a variety of pieces, I leave you to do what you will with them. With no directions or blueprints. I send these thoughts out into the world and then I have to let go. I do not know what happens to them or how they are interpreted when they are received. I should not care. Some, then, may feel I should not share. Yet, something compels me to. It would be asking the impossible for anyone to get any accurate picture of what someone is like through the view of this window. 

I try to remain as positive as possible, while still maintaining an accurate sense of my feelings towards the events that make up my life, the good and the hard. All these experiences help shape the person I am becoming. I have nothing to hide. I have decided that the mask of perfection is too heavy for me to carry anymore. If I ever portray my life as perfect, I am sorry for that. On the other hand, if I ever come across as negative or seem to complain, I am equally sorry. That would not be fair for my family or for anyone who chooses to read. 

Something happens to me when I write. I feel I am am able to express those things that need clarification within my own mind, and the longer I blog the more open I feel my heart becoming. I write for me. As I read and re-read, these kinds of posts in particular, I am filled with hope. I realize that I am strong, even though I feel so weak. I have come through trials that, in the moment, I would have preferred not to have had to experience, and I have grown! Next, for my family, a record for them to have of all our daily happenings. A legacy I wish to leave my children. Lastly, I write in the hopes that I may touch even just one person. If my experiences can offer hope in anyway, if only to let them know that they are not alone, in thoughts, in feelings, in trials, then I will have accomplished what I hoped to do with this blog. My life is not perfect, but it is unbelievably beautiful. I share pieces of me through this blog, not to seem better or worse than I really am. I do not ask for fame, or pity. I write because that is what my heart tells me to do. 

I am pretty sure that I miscarried this past month. I never took a test, but I know the signs of pregnancy. I also know, all too well, the signs of a miscarriage. We were not trying. In fact we are not planning to ever try again. But if the day ever comes when the Lord steps in and sends another wee one our way, we would open our doors, our hands, and our hearts to it. None of this makes the loss any less painful. For a moment I had a new life growing inside me, with all the emotions and hormones that accompany that. Upon reflection, I do feel that for whatever purpose this happened it was probably for the best. If Heavenly Father wants me to have another baby, He will from the time of conception until delivery, protect and bless that new little life. Sometimes, for reasons we cannot yet understand, these things, hard as they seem, are simply part of life. Never, ever, is it a punishment from God.

I really do feel like our family is complete. I really do not want to ever be pregnant again.

And yet I am a woman, which seems to be innately connected to the desire to have a baby.

So to my friends who ask and wonder if they will ever know that they are done, I cannot answer that question for you. All I can say is that it is different for each woman. I do feel completely, wonderfully, absolutely finished, in the most joyous way possible. I do not feel denied.

And yet my heart aches for just one more. But I think it always will. No matter how many I have.

I suffer from empty womb syndrome. Every time I hear that someone is pregnant I go through 2 days of trying to convince myself that I could do it again. I could have another baby!

It passes, always.

But not this time.

Will I ever have another baby? I truly believe that I will not. Just because I know these things though, and feel this sense of completion, does not remove that part of me, created by Him, to nurture life. Maybe this part of me, that is so inseparably connected to my heart, accentuates that most vulnerable soft mother core. So maybe, just maybe, as I pray for these feelings to leave, I should instead be praying for these emotions to stay, and keep this mother-heart soft and exposed. A shift in focus, a transfer of emotions. This life I am already living, this house I have already filled, it may just be that these things need that heart, that would, if asked, make great sacrifices for the love of those she already has.


  1. Shelli,
    This made me feel so sad, but with moments of happy.
    I think you are wonderful, and want to talk soon!


  2. Shelli,
    I guess that explains the swelling bosom.
    I am sorry I didn't know and couldn't help you more.
    Love your writing and honesty. You have a gift.
    Hang in there 5 days more and we're free women!
    Here's to a bust week and seeing you alot!
    Love Debra