luckiest girl

Tuesday evening just after dinner Darren surprised me with saying that he thought I needed an evening out with the girls. He would be taking over at home and we were free to go to the movies! So off we went to see Storks. The next morning Nya awoke tired from the late night and asked if she could stay home and go back to bed. Stay home she did, but she never made it back to bed. I had things to do and she came along for the ride. Nanaimo was my first stop. I had to go to Lowe's to pick up a pedestal sink for the new house. As we walked around the store, her little hand in mine, she blissfully declared, "All my friends are at school, and I'm here with you. I'm the luckiest girl in the world!" The luckiest girl in the world? My heart was filled to bursting. It doesn't take anything grand to show our children love. They really do, for the most part, just want us. Such was the theme of the movie we'd just watched the evening before. Time. With us. The rest of the day went the same, no matter what we did, she thought she was so lucky just to be with me! This morning she crawled out of bed and got herself ready for school as usual and routine took over. I'm so grateful I listened to the needs of her little heart yesterday and kept her home with me. She felt loved in the simplest of ways and I will have those memories forever. No regrets, not a single one. I can't think of a anything she could have learned at school yesterday that would have been more important than the way her sweet soul was filled with the knowledge that she is mine and I am hers and she is loved. As for myself, I was left with the reaffirmation that I am so blessed. And she doesn't even understand that the luckiest girl in the whole wide world isn't her . . . it's me!

everything and nothing

For those of you who still read blog posts. For those who don't live in a fairy tale. For the ones who don't judge other mothers (or try hard not to). For those who love me anyway. For those who may be struggling themselves.

I was going to start this post with the age old "mothering is hard", but really it's not about mothering at all. This is about life. Real and raw and rounded out - mothering is just one part of that. That might be shocking enough for some people. To know that "mother", although a role I hold sacred, is not who I am. And if I were to be honest, some days I want something more to look forward to than housework and homemaking. I long for adventure. Today was one of those days. What I didn't want was to face the sink full of dirty dishes. I didn't want to be grown up and responsible and, well, required. Required to be here and do this and clean that, and do it all again tomorrow.

This is also not about gratitude - for there is a difference between that and happiness. Feeling sad or discouraged is not sinful. It does not mean that you are ungrateful for or have left unnoticed the things heaven sent. I can generate a lenghty list of the blessings in my life that split my heart wide open and make me weep with thanksgiving. Being grateful and being happy are not the same thing. And discouragement can strike even the most stalwart. How we feel is not always a choice, but it is ours to decide what to do about it!

I believe I am a daughter if God. I believe He created me in love and sent me here with high hopes. I believe that I have a purpose and a mission while alive on this earth. I believe that I have been abundantly blessed. I believe that part of my journey will have me writing about real things, real feelings, and real life. And real life, although beautiful, is also imperfect and hard. I believe that I was meant to write. I believe that both hope and healing can be found when I do, not only for myself but for others as well.

You see, how we feel has very little to do with the outcome of our lives, or rather it can be everything or nothing at all. These things called "feelings" can take hold of the rudder and steer up places we never intended on going, or we can hold fast and decide that no matter which way the winds blow (or our feelings compel us) we will press on in the direction of our dreams. The shocking thing that we will discover at the end of our journey is that whichever course we took we never really let go of that wheel. For better or worse the choice was ours all along. I can blame my situation on the feelings I face, even though they are present and powerful, or I can decide that even though I feel tossed to and fro and a little bit lost, I still steer the ship! We each will have moments when we feel as though we'll be lost to the raging storm and other times we drift with no sunshine on skin, nor wind in our sails. Sometimes these moments are hardest. In the midst of chaos my heart turns quickly to the Lord. But it's different in the lulls. It is quieter there and more room is left for fear and doubt and discouragement to creep in. It is then that He reminds us, if we listen and if we'll trust Him that He is right beside us and this is simply a chance for us to make our own wind! The going may be slower than those moments of smooth sailing, but we will be made stronger. Failure does not lie in the feeling; success lies in the choice we make to keep getting up, keep making dinner, keep washing those dishes and folding that laundry and kissing sweet cheeks and holding soft, sticky hands and CHOOSING to do what you don't feel like doing. In the very act of doing what we don't want to do, simply because it is the right thing to do, we gain momentum. We change the feelings from the outside in, until we are no longer just going through the motions. Until we find our adventure, looking a little different than we thought it would. Looking a lot less glamorous and a little more like life.

I can be grateful, not always for the feelings, but for the fact that, in spite of, I can get up out of bed, put one foot in front of the other, and keep on living. Because to live, simply to wake each day, good or bad, happy or sad, sour attitude or sweet disposition, all of it, the whole crazy thing, in the words of Peter Pan, is an awfully big adventure.

Dear Aubrey,

This post is for you, my dear sweet Aubrey. Although promised months ago, this post has been in the making for much longer than that. 14 1/2 years actually. That is when I had my first baby. I have come to understand a thing or two about raising children, but I now realize how much I have yet to learn.

Pregnancy is like the preliminary events leading up to the marathon of motherhood - the opening ceremonies. We spend nine months preparing for our lives to be changed in a way that no human could ever prepare for. The moment your new baby enters this world and is placed in your arms is the moment you will lose control. You will lose your heart first. Although you already love this tiny human, that love will explode more with each passing hour as you study and memorize every piece from tiny toes to cute button nose. Next, your time. Your world will be planned around eating and sleeping schedules. Your body - also not in your control even though the baby is now out, will at moments leak from several different orifices at once. You will continue to sustain this new life for the next while, sharing still your body with them. Your emotions - no control. You will feel things you never knew you could and do not understand why you are even feeling. Sound scary? It isn't meant to - that is not my objective. I simply mean to share some things with you that I wish my girlfriends had shared with me. The talk was all about pregnacy and labor. What about the after stuff? This is important stuff; THIS is how mothers are forged.

So here are a few of the things I have learned or better yet, that I am still coming to understand:

1. 6 weeks. At least. 6 weeks guilt free from the things you don't have time to do right now and free from pressure and comparison. Give yourself time to heal and recover. Our bodies go through more than we give them credit for. You are not in a race of "who bounced back fastest". Your tummy will contract on its own schedule. You clothes will not fit right away. You body has just performed the miracle of making and giving life. Let it recover. You and your baby will be happier. Rest. Sleep when you can. Eat. Cry when you need to. Drink water like there is no tomorrow. And ask for help from those you trust.

2. Never before has a shower been so wonderful as after those first few weeks of having a baby. Ironically, it is one of the things that we seem to never be able to find the time for. Remember that although a shower cannot solve everything it can help with most things. You will almost always feel better after a shower!

3. One day at a time is now, more than ever, life's philosophy. That is all you need to live. And remind yourself that you will never get that day back. A day spent is a day gone. How will you most like to remember those days? Knee deep in things that don't matter or drowning in the delicious smell and velvety softness of a new baby?

4. Take advice, but consider the source. Something that worked for one person may not work for you. Absorb what you can from those you love, filter through it all and learn to trust yourself. You will find your path. People will say things and have opinions on just about everything. Just because they say it doesn't mean you have to take it, but do remember that most of the time they are simply trying to help.

5. Take lots of pictures and write things down. Moments you never think you will forget lose their crispness and become a whisp of a memory through this marathon you are now beginning.

6. As you fall deeper in love with your baby, it will be unthinkable for you to invision an instance where you could possibly be upset or even angry at this tiny piece of perfection lying in your lap. Trust me when I tell you that it happens to even the BEST mothers sometimes. You will not realize it right away. It is not the flick of a switch. But it will happen and you will catch yourself wondering when it did. It is not a threshold crossed but a transition through time - as baby grows into toddler and toddler into child and child tests the limits of our patience we will experience moments when feel less than loving. The beauty of it is that Heavenly Father has designed us in such a way that, when needed, those first feelings of adoration can be recalled, and these memories soften our hearts once again to the state we would prefer to always remain. Remember, you are not perfect, but you are oh so good.

7. Remember there is no one right way to parent. This applies to and ranges from how you feed your new baby to what kind of diapers you use.

8. Remember to cherish your relationship with your spouse. Take care of him as he takes care of you.

9. Pray. Pray for help just to get through a day when you are exhausted upon waking. Pray for guidance along the way. Pray for your body to work and for your baby to grow and for your heart to stay soft. This is His child; as are you. You are His hands here on earth. He is your partner there up in Heaven. You are loved. He will help you learn compassion and forgiveness, charity, kindness, forgiveness, long-suffering, sacrifice and humility through the eyes of this child.

10. Remember, this too shall pass. The good, the bad, and the beautiful. All of it is fleeting. Let this teach you to cherish the good, to get you through the bad, and to cling to the beautiful.

There are a thousand more things I would like to tell you. None of them are probably very important. It seems almost an impossible thing; giving advice to a new mom. And I am certainly unfit to give it. Your baby is your treasure not your trophy. Love that baby like there is no tomorrow; you will never regret it. It is in the letting go that we truly come to understand and rely upon our Heavenly Father and Savior. Maybe this is why we lose it when we have our babies. To help us understand that we are much better in His hands than in our own. But in all the "losing" we gain things we could not any other way; a deeper understanding of Gods love for us; an unearthly love for others; a clearer eternal picture. Then we come to understand that we really didn't lose anything at all - we gained godly gifts - the best of which comes in the form of a tiny pink package and shows to us things as they should be if we slow down enough to receive them.

So my last piece of advice: SLOW DOWN. There is a reason for and something to learn in all of this. Slow down and you will see.  

Love, Shelli

Ode to Sunshine {Inspired by Dr. Seuss and The Cat in the Hat}

The sun did not shine.

It was too wet to play.

So we sat in the house 

All that cold, cold, wet day.

We sat there together.

We sat there, us all.

Only dad worked outside 

As the rain, it did fall.

For five days it poured.

For five days it rained.

Until our poor mother

thought she might go insane.

She schooled us and schooled us

'Til we each had enough.

What we need, our dear mother

Is more interesting stuff.

Books are amazing, 

Books are such fun.

But what children like best

Is to play in the sun.

We read books of adventure,

Learn of lands far away,

But the way we learn best

Is to put books into play.

We dig down to China,

Find treasure in sand.

We travel to Hogwarts -

 What a magical land.

From up in the tree tops

We spy pirates on sea.

Grab your swords mates, get ready -

Black Beard it may be!

These games can be played 

While inside the house.

But, dear mother, we've noticed

Your hair falling out.

We are noisy and loud

As you full well know.

 Our imaginations, dear mother 

They need room to grow.

One day, no problem,

Quite possibly two.

But five days of rain?

That will just never do. 

Just when we thought 

Our dear mother would crack,

We woke up this morning

And what had come back?

Birds where chirping and singing

Way up in the trees,

For the sun had returned.

We all felt so pleased.

We are leaving the house!

Our dear mother exclaimed.

We are driving away 

Before someone gets maimed.

Pack your bags, get your shoes

Grab a snack so your fed.

We will not be returning 

'Til the sun goes to bed.

Then sweet little children,

When your good and sleepy,

We'll come back to our house.

I no longer feel weepy!

Upstairs we will climb,

And your prayers will be said.

I will kiss you all sweetly

And tuck you in bed.

Then, my dear children,

My thanks I'll express,

For this day of sunshine -

Dear Lord, I feel blessed.

I thank thee for rain.

It waters our crops.

The problem is simply

When it just will not stop.

The sunshine you see, 

It does so much more

 Than to simply feed plants.

It makes spirits soar!

Now children grow strong 

From the foods they consume. 

But the sunshine they get, 

It drives away gloom.

If you want happy children, 

And a mother that's sane,

Add lots of sunshine,

instead of just rain. 

orchid appreciation

Lately my days have been filled with endless opportunities for me to increase in patience and long-suffering. Children have had their share of quarrels - and then some. And instead of expanding in virtue I feel as though I have been letting it get the better of me. The other day when Darren told me that he had yet another church meeting, I groaned. He has been working away long and hard at his many obligations, and where normally I support him, especially in regards to church responsibilities, I must confess, at that moment I thought only of myself. 

Later that night, after children were finally tucked in bed and the house was in some sort of order, I fell into bed. 

That is when he walked in with orchids. 

I do not need to be noticed. I do not need to be praised. I will carry on because that is what has to be done. And I remember: It was I who chose this life with 5 kids and all kinds of crazy. And when I step back and priorities are put back in proper place, burdens are made light, not because they have been taken from my shoulders, but because I see, once again, the value of my mission. Days that feel empty of any sort of production, yet filled with guilt and exhaustion, are not so at all. My efforts, whether great or meager, are vital to this small world of which children think they are the center - and they are! These are the things of eternity. 

Even though efforts seem to go unnoticed, all these unseen tasks that fill my days, they are not. He is grateful. 

Now, everyday, when I catch a glimpse of my orchid, I remember his appreciation and I feel buoyed up. So although I do not need these simple, lovely gestures, they make a world of difference.

Thank you Darren. Love, your adoring wife.

"Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a fire." William Butler Yeats

I came home from town the other day to a house full of children and an unflushed toilet full of mess. Of course, no one would claim it. I wondered whether or not the q-tip that was also in the bowl would make it safely through the turns and bends, and what the chances were that it would get stuck and cause a greater problem than that of accepting what had to be done and sticking my hand in that bowl. I pondered my position. 

The glamour of motherhood, if there had ever been any to begin with was swallowed up in the plastic bag I wrapped tightly around my arm. 

You see,  I have this longing within to be great. I want to be super at something. I want to achieve and do and grow and be. 

As the day wore on and I went about my responsibilities God breathed wisdom into my mind: Maybe my greatness will be that of my children's. Greatness is in everyday ordinaries.

It is in the preparing of a grilled cheese lunch.

It is in the putting of a camera in little hands and seeing life through her eyes, her world.

It is in the making of lemon Jell-o.

It is in the strokes of a paint brush.

It is in the workbooks, the math, and even in the frustration.

(Tate is attempting to "disarm" me with his "wand" as I attempt to instruct him in math. Expelliarmus!)

It is in the cutting of oranges . . .

 and the folding of dishcloths.

My greatness may never be awarded or noticed. It will not be in fame or fortune. Instead, I have the opportunity to be the catalyst in the lives of these children who call me mom. I am the cheerleader, the catapult. I am the one on the sidelines who calls out their names, who jumps for joy at their victories, and praises their attempts. I am the one who wipes the tears and comforts the sadness. These children will grow in the knowledge that their mom is quite often a big ol' mess. They will see me at my worst, as well as my best. Through me they will come to understand that life is hard and hearts can hurt so bad. They will become acquainted with perseverance. They will learn to pick themselves up and to be of good cheer. They will hear, over and over, as long as I live that NOTHING is impossible, and to never say can't. And even though life does not always look like the vision we had planned it is beautiful beyond measure in its imperfection. Greatness is in never giving up, even when you feel a failure. My greatness will live in the hearts of my children. I cannot imagine a purpose more noble nor a greatness that is bigger than that.

about a boy

12 years ago I grew a boy under my heart. And in that heart I knew he was just that, a son. The day he was born my world changed and my soul opened in ways I never knew possible. That same heart that had been captured by my husband, and filled up with our daughter, was stolen clean away by a boy.

As that baby has grown into boy and boy begins his journey into manhood, hugs become fewer and farther between. His circle is small and his bubble tight. He will daily accept but not often offer. I wonder if he knows how much of my heart he holds. I wish him to know that I am there for him, always.

And then while in front of friends he comes up to me, his momma, and squishes in next to me, two parts into one chair - my heart beats within my chest to bursting. My soul is filled with unspeakable joy. He. loves. me.

When he sees me from across a room, where he did not expect to find me, his eyes catch mine and a wide smile fills his face, and I know this boy loves me. He needs me, and I him.

Late at night, with few words spoken, he just wants me there - to rub his back or read him a book. And I know that I am loved.

It is in these moments I must fill up that hole he left behind when he stole my heart away, with the love that he offers, in any way he will.

beautiful soul food

A dozen times a day she tells me I am pretty.

Feeling anything but pretty in my ponytail and sweatpants, I smile and tell her that being pretty on the inside is more important than being pretty on the outside.

She smiles back and touches my cheek.

Day after day, week after week, we exchange these words, always the same.

But today, instead of spilling forth a well worn response, I stop.

I hear what she is saying, but what is she telling me? What is she trying to communicating that I am missing?

I don't feel beautiful.

When children stomp away in anger and doors are slammed, when my soft mother heart feels tight, and words have sharp edges, when the house seems to be coming undone all around me, I don't feel beautiful.

----------------------------

It is raining outside.

I do not want to go.

Yet.......

I tie up shoes, turn up the music, and head out the door.

I run.

I run and I worry.

I worry: do children know I love them, that I want the best for them? Do they know how my heart aches as I keep pushing through, not knowing all the answers, simply hoping that they come when the need is greatest? 

What is one to do when your heart is broken into a thousand pieces and tears fill your eyes, when children hurt bigger than a cookie and a bandaid can mend, when bones are weary yet still more is required, when times are tough and means seem thin, when sleep and peace feel an Island across the ocean away.

These muscles are stiff. It has been too long since last time.

I feel the sting of the run.

Yet.....

Worry fades as muscles warm. It is me and the road. One foot in front of the other, and I just go. Life becomes clearer in running shoes. Answers come - ideas - inspiration. My body lets go and my mind takes over. And then it comes. When I run I am mom, I am wife, I am writer, reader, teacher, friend, leader, athlete, Christian, gardner, sewer, sister. A crazy mix of everything that is good and right with my life. There are no losers out here. I feel powerful, strong, humble, grateful, hopeful but most of all . . . happy, and my soul is fed.

The sun sets and dusk spreads its grey long upon the land as I climb the hill to home. Lights twinkle as I approach the house. Balloons float across the lighted windows as children give chase, careful not to let them drop.

When they do they are quickly picked right back up again and the game resumes.

How much I learn from these children. Pick it back up is the lesson. Pick it right back up and continue on.

I finally see what she has known all along. I am pretty to her just because I am me and I love her. It has nothing to do with hair styles or colored skinnies. She loves me because I offer her all the love I can, day after day, through failure and weakness, I pick life and little ones back up and carry on in love. And that is all she needs. In the end it is she who is teaching me the lesson I thought I was here to teach. When she speaks of pretty she speaks of who I am, not how I look.

As I look from the outside in at my life, I can see it. I am pretty to these people, the only ones that matter, because everytime I leave I come back. I step back in the game day after day, even when the odds of success seem out of favor, I love on, and when I feel nothing but ugly inside she is there to remind me of who I really am, and nothing could be prettier than that.

a turning

Life is hard. Challenges come, and go...... but then come right back again clothed in different colors. When  life seems as bleak as the late November sky, heart knocks against chest and I wonder.....

As seasons have come and gone, prayers have changed from those of relief to that of acceptance. In the acceptance of what is offered there is hope. I pray for the best, hope for the best, but embrace whatever comes. There is something in those dark days for us to learn.

This becomes obvious to me as my little man sits filled with sadness curled up in a corner. Life is this moment for him. He does not see past the present. This is all that exsists in his world right now. This shortness of sight, what we cannot see is that this, all of it, is part of our path. It is not the beginning, nor is it the end. It is not a detour, as we attempt to get back on the right road. This is our road, all of it making up the miles we travel.

The path closes in around us. It is dense and thick, but what we cannot see is that just around the corner, the trees begin to thin and the sky opens up. Here - we have made it and now can see past the stumbling blocks that once stood in our way, out across wide sky.

How did I not see it before. Maybe I was not ready. Lessons needed learning so that once I got to the top they would no longer be the focus of my attention. I view again those things I thought were holding me back, those stumbling blocks which tripped me up and brought me to my knees. And I am grateful - for all the ugly, which when wound together with skillful hands with all the beautiful become just that - beautiful - through eyes of the heart. The view never changed. It was I who could not see what was waiting for me at the top. Of each new mountain I am asked to climb, I have the hope of a vista bathed in grace awaiting me at the end.

Children grow and I begin to understand. I have an immeasurable role here as mother. It is to love, most of all, and to teach, and train, and never give up on sweet souls. But it is not to change hearts. That role has been filled, long before, by hands much more capable than mine. How often do I try and fix it all? How much more often should I turn troubled children back to the Lord. My heart hurts for the aches of these little people, these pieces of my very soul. I want to sweep them up in my arms, and kick all trial out the back door. I try to fit pieces back together. In frustration, when I cannot seem to find the answers, my heart is hushed and I am told that they are old enough now. Never stop praying for their sake, but don't pray for answers that belong to them to find. What could be more important? Of all the things I teach, from nouns to fractions, this is the most valuable lesson of all. Teach them to come to Him. Teach them to listen. Teach them that only He can fix broken hearts and just how much He wants to do so. Teach them that they have endless potential, and through the grace of only Him, it can be reached. Trials cement character deep in young foundation.

A weight lifts from sagging shoulders. Turn them back to Him. He knows the way when one mom cannot see past crumbs and chaos. These are the wings we are to give our fledglings which will enable them to soar. On the updraft of one who will never tire or lead astray, at moments when one mom's flesh is weak, He will lead them on.