Dear Aubrey,

This post is for you, my dear sweet Aubrey. Although promised months ago, this post has been in the making for much longer than that. 14 1/2 years actually. That is when I had my first baby. I have come to understand a thing or two about raising children, but I now realize how much I have yet to learn.

Pregnancy is like the preliminary events leading up to the marathon of motherhood - the opening ceremonies. We spend nine months preparing for our lives to be changed in a way that no human could ever prepare for. The moment your new baby enters this world and is placed in your arms is the moment you will lose control. You will lose your heart first. Although you already love this tiny human, that love will explode more with each passing hour as you study and memorize every piece from tiny toes to cute button nose. Next, your time. Your world will be planned around eating and sleeping schedules. Your body - also not in your control even though the baby is now out, will at moments leak from several different orifices at once. You will continue to sustain this new life for the next while, sharing still your body with them. Your emotions - no control. You will feel things you never knew you could and do not understand why you are even feeling. Sound scary? It isn't meant to - that is not my objective. I simply mean to share some things with you that I wish my girlfriends had shared with me. The talk was all about pregnacy and labor. What about the after stuff? This is important stuff; THIS is how mothers are forged.

So here are a few of the things I have learned or better yet, that I am still coming to understand:

1. 6 weeks. At least. 6 weeks guilt free from the things you don't have time to do right now and free from pressure and comparison. Give yourself time to heal and recover. Our bodies go through more than we give them credit for. You are not in a race of "who bounced back fastest". Your tummy will contract on its own schedule. You clothes will not fit right away. You body has just performed the miracle of making and giving life. Let it recover. You and your baby will be happier. Rest. Sleep when you can. Eat. Cry when you need to. Drink water like there is no tomorrow. And ask for help from those you trust.

2. Never before has a shower been so wonderful as after those first few weeks of having a baby. Ironically, it is one of the things that we seem to never be able to find the time for. Remember that although a shower cannot solve everything it can help with most things. You will almost always feel better after a shower!

3. One day at a time is now, more than ever, life's philosophy. That is all you need to live. And remind yourself that you will never get that day back. A day spent is a day gone. How will you most like to remember those days? Knee deep in things that don't matter or drowning in the delicious smell and velvety softness of a new baby?

4. Take advice, but consider the source. Something that worked for one person may not work for you. Absorb what you can from those you love, filter through it all and learn to trust yourself. You will find your path. People will say things and have opinions on just about everything. Just because they say it doesn't mean you have to take it, but do remember that most of the time they are simply trying to help.

5. Take lots of pictures and write things down. Moments you never think you will forget lose their crispness and become a whisp of a memory through this marathon you are now beginning.

6. As you fall deeper in love with your baby, it will be unthinkable for you to invision an instance where you could possibly be upset or even angry at this tiny piece of perfection lying in your lap. Trust me when I tell you that it happens to even the BEST mothers sometimes. You will not realize it right away. It is not the flick of a switch. But it will happen and you will catch yourself wondering when it did. It is not a threshold crossed but a transition through time - as baby grows into toddler and toddler into child and child tests the limits of our patience we will experience moments when feel less than loving. The beauty of it is that Heavenly Father has designed us in such a way that, when needed, those first feelings of adoration can be recalled, and these memories soften our hearts once again to the state we would prefer to always remain. Remember, you are not perfect, but you are oh so good.

7. Remember there is no one right way to parent. This applies to and ranges from how you feed your new baby to what kind of diapers you use.

8. Remember to cherish your relationship with your spouse. Take care of him as he takes care of you.

9. Pray. Pray for help just to get through a day when you are exhausted upon waking. Pray for guidance along the way. Pray for your body to work and for your baby to grow and for your heart to stay soft. This is His child; as are you. You are His hands here on earth. He is your partner there up in Heaven. You are loved. He will help you learn compassion and forgiveness, charity, kindness, forgiveness, long-suffering, sacrifice and humility through the eyes of this child.

10. Remember, this too shall pass. The good, the bad, and the beautiful. All of it is fleeting. Let this teach you to cherish the good, to get you through the bad, and to cling to the beautiful.

There are a thousand more things I would like to tell you. None of them are probably very important. It seems almost an impossible thing; giving advice to a new mom. And I am certainly unfit to give it. Your baby is your treasure not your trophy. Love that baby like there is no tomorrow; you will never regret it. It is in the letting go that we truly come to understand and rely upon our Heavenly Father and Savior. Maybe this is why we lose it when we have our babies. To help us understand that we are much better in His hands than in our own. But in all the "losing" we gain things we could not any other way; a deeper understanding of Gods love for us; an unearthly love for others; a clearer eternal picture. Then we come to understand that we really didn't lose anything at all - we gained godly gifts - the best of which comes in the form of a tiny pink package and shows to us things as they should be if we slow down enough to receive them.

So my last piece of advice: SLOW DOWN. There is a reason for and something to learn in all of this. Slow down and you will see.  

Love, Shelli

pink perfection

I feel like I've been waiting a lifetime for this baby. 

Late, but here at last, making her entrance, when she finally decided to do so, 

as fast as she could. 

From the moment she was born and I saw her face I felt as though I'd had this child before. 

She looks so familiar to me - almost as if a memory returning.

Violet Ever McCullough

Born March 24, 2014

8 pounds

at 3:36 in the wee hours of the morning

So perfect I can barely believe the miracle of life has happened all over again.

I may or may not get to a more detailed update as to how things are going; 

for now we are enjoying every single second of this most perfect piece of heaven
(and attempting to get as much sleep as she'll allow!).

count down

Warning:

Proceed with caution. 

This post may contain information you don't want to or need to know, but that I would like to remember.

6 weeks.

That is all I have left.

IF I deliver on time that is.

This has been the looooooongest pregnancy of my life. I feel as though I have been expecting forever.
It could be due to the fact that this time around we spent more time in deliberation than ever before. As my 35th birthday approached (13 months ago) I felt the desire for a new baby. My husband was quite sure that it was simply my maternal clock ticking, and at moments so did I. I wanted a baby, but was I really ready for another child? I wasn't sure for the longest time and I did not necessarily have a willing companion. And since I was not prepared to proceed without full consent, I waited.

Then one day, six months later, he came to me and said that he too wanted another baby. And so it began.

Now having passed my 36th birthday, I feel as though it is time I was about finished with this process already. As my due date approaches, my symptoms increase. It is always hard, but this time has been the hardest. First and foremost, I am tired - beyond tired. I have never felt this way . . . ever! I am tired while sitting down. This, combined with nausea, headaches, dizziness, back pain, and aching legs from varicose and spider veins, has tested my endurance.

I have also never been so emotional in all my life. I feel like crying (and frequently do) for no reason at all. On the other hand I have never felt happier or more blessed! It is one crazy mix of emotions. Which, to his eternal credit, I must say that Darren is handling with positive perfection!

But now onto the fun stuff. I have been having the best time preparing for this baby! My children all thought I was crazy when at 3 months pregnant (as soon as I was able to be somewhat mobile) I began planning and decorating the nursery; beginning with  moving the boys out and into another room. I knew that it would take me the whole rest of my pregnancy to complete this project. I planned and began to prepare for a little boy, so sure was I. But according to my ultrasound, another little girl was on her way. I then removed the beginnings of what I had already started for our son and started from scratch in the planning department. I have been sewing and decorating and ever so slowly working away to create a nursery for this baby. As more children have come to us and as our house has filled up, our last 2 babies have slept in our closet (which happens to be almost bigger than our 1st apartment). And we made due. This time, however, I wanted to have a real nursery, not because a baby cares, but because I do.

My goal was to put together this nursery as inexpensively as possible. We already had the dresser, the stool (Which is for Nya. She needs to be able to see her baby when she comes!), the bookshelf, the side table and some of the accessories, including the pillow forms. Darren cut out her initial from some MDF we had stored away, left over from past projects and a friend lent us the crib. We purchased a clock, the material for her bedding, the floor lamp, frames for the wall (which I filled with free artwork I found online, and some that I made myself - they will be hung around the room once the painting is complete), the diaper cart, crib sheets and a changing pad. The biggest item we purchased was the chair from Ikea. This is perhaps my favorite piece. It does not rock, but it is so very comfortable. We (the little kids and I) already use it all the time to read together in. All we have left to do is to finish painting the walls, otherwise we are ready and waiting for baby V.

  I will post more pictures once we are finished the painting - 

but just in case I don't get to it (which is entirely possible), here is what is finished so far.

  (Necklace made by Aunty Shannon)

a mother's intuition and a bouncing baby boy

Five out of five - those are pretty good odds. Never have I been wrong! I have known somehow, somewhere inside what each and every child I grew under my heart was going to be before any test or medical professional confirmed my feelings.

When I was expecting my first child they would not tell me whether the baby was a girl or a boy, but so confident was I that we decorated every inch of the nursery with the expectation of pigtails. As my due date approached, I had one moment of panic as I stood in her room and realized that I did not know for sure. What if our baby was a boy? Nevertheless, 10 days late, Noelle finally blessed our lives and started our family with a much anticipated daughter.

a full house and an empty womb

Preface: I shouldn't have to do this, after all it is my blog. But I will. 

It is hard to push that "publish post" button sometimes. I may tell you more information than you ever cared to know. I am sure that I will lose readers along the way. And I will have to be okay with that. In my desire to be real through this blog, I learn to be real with myself.

I want my blog to be a place where I can be absolutely honest. There are pieces of my life, of the lives of my family, that are and will remain private. There are others that, for whatever reason, I feel inclined to share. With a variety of pieces, I leave you to do what you will with them. With no directions or blueprints. I send these thoughts out into the world and then I have to let go. I do not know what happens to them or how they are interpreted when they are received. I should not care. Some, then, may feel I should not share. Yet, something compels me to. It would be asking the impossible for anyone to get any accurate picture of what someone is like through the view of this window. 

I try to remain as positive as possible, while still maintaining an accurate sense of my feelings towards the events that make up my life, the good and the hard. All these experiences help shape the person I am becoming. I have nothing to hide. I have decided that the mask of perfection is too heavy for me to carry anymore. If I ever portray my life as perfect, I am sorry for that. On the other hand, if I ever come across as negative or seem to complain, I am equally sorry. That would not be fair for my family or for anyone who chooses to read. 

Something happens to me when I write. I feel I am am able to express those things that need clarification within my own mind, and the longer I blog the more open I feel my heart becoming. I write for me. As I read and re-read, these kinds of posts in particular, I am filled with hope. I realize that I am strong, even though I feel so weak. I have come through trials that, in the moment, I would have preferred not to have had to experience, and I have grown! Next, for my family, a record for them to have of all our daily happenings. A legacy I wish to leave my children. Lastly, I write in the hopes that I may touch even just one person. If my experiences can offer hope in anyway, if only to let them know that they are not alone, in thoughts, in feelings, in trials, then I will have accomplished what I hoped to do with this blog. My life is not perfect, but it is unbelievably beautiful. I share pieces of me through this blog, not to seem better or worse than I really am. I do not ask for fame, or pity. I write because that is what my heart tells me to do. 

I am pretty sure that I miscarried this past month. I never took a test, but I know the signs of pregnancy. I also know, all too well, the signs of a miscarriage. We were not trying. In fact we are not planning to ever try again. But if the day ever comes when the Lord steps in and sends another wee one our way, we would open our doors, our hands, and our hearts to it. None of this makes the loss any less painful. For a moment I had a new life growing inside me, with all the emotions and hormones that accompany that. Upon reflection, I do feel that for whatever purpose this happened it was probably for the best. If Heavenly Father wants me to have another baby, He will from the time of conception until delivery, protect and bless that new little life. Sometimes, for reasons we cannot yet understand, these things, hard as they seem, are simply part of life. Never, ever, is it a punishment from God.

I really do feel like our family is complete. I really do not want to ever be pregnant again.

And yet I am a woman, which seems to be innately connected to the desire to have a baby.

So to my friends who ask and wonder if they will ever know that they are done, I cannot answer that question for you. All I can say is that it is different for each woman. I do feel completely, wonderfully, absolutely finished, in the most joyous way possible. I do not feel denied.

And yet my heart aches for just one more. But I think it always will. No matter how many I have.

I suffer from empty womb syndrome. Every time I hear that someone is pregnant I go through 2 days of trying to convince myself that I could do it again. I could have another baby!

It passes, always.

But not this time.

Will I ever have another baby? I truly believe that I will not. Just because I know these things though, and feel this sense of completion, does not remove that part of me, created by Him, to nurture life. Maybe this part of me, that is so inseparably connected to my heart, accentuates that most vulnerable soft mother core. So maybe, just maybe, as I pray for these feelings to leave, I should instead be praying for these emotions to stay, and keep this mother-heart soft and exposed. A shift in focus, a transfer of emotions. This life I am already living, this house I have already filled, it may just be that these things need that heart, that would, if asked, make great sacrifices for the love of those she already has.

Lyla

We finally met Lyla, and she is every bit as sweet as I knew she would be. I also knew upon seeing her that I would want to take her home with me - I was right. But since Julianne and Mike were adamant about keeping her, this only left me 1 option. I found myself contemplating, "Could I? Could I really do it again?" I held that baby for as long as I could, wishing that somehow, someway I could have another baby. Not through pregnancy again, not ever again. I just wanted someone to hand me a baby and say, "Here, for you!" On the way home I asked Darren, "Isn't she the most beautiful? Do you think that we will ever have another baby? Don't you just sometimes wish, if only for a moment?" To which my wise and loving husband replied, "Yes....but no one is knocking". There it is - the truth I already knew. There will be no more babies for us, at least not through pregnancy anyways. And I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that if the day ever comes that 1 of God's children is meant to come to us by some different means, that we will know, because we will feel them knocking on our hearts.

Congratulations Mike and Julianne! 

We love you.

Where Daddy Buy It?

The other day Tate was admiring his new sister as she slept in the carrier. He turned to me and said," Where daddy buy it?" I asked him, "You mean the carseat?" "No, where daddy but it?", he asked again. Still thinking he meant her carrier but since she has been sleeping in there more than she has been driving I thought that maybe he thought it was her bed. So I asked, "You mean her bed?" Again he answered , "No where daddy but it?" I really didn't clue in as we had watched my tummy grow and talked about her being inside me for a very long time. "You mean the baby?", I asked. "Yah, where daddy buy it?" he said. Darren is the one who does the grocery shopping in our house and I love him for it as I do not like doing it at all. Shopping yes, grocery shopping no. So naturally he assumed that daddy went to the store and bought our new baby, as she wasn't here one day and the next she was. You have to love the incredible innocence of kids and the funny things they say.

Great expectations

Somehow we are expecting again. Although I said I would never, ever do this again. This baby was very much planned for and we are very excited. Darren especially at this time, as I am the lucky one who gets to go through all the nausea, vomiting, dizziness, weight gain, mood changes, lack of sleep, weak bladder and at the end of it all, labor. I will never be one of those women who are able to say," I loved being pregnant!" I could not understand something less than that sentence, for that has not been my experience or my reality. Yet when all is said and done I would not change the fact that I get to create life. I get to feel a new baby, my new baby growing and kicking inside me. I share my life with them from the very moment they are conceived. It is the most incredible thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have to believe that somehow the sacrifice that we as women make to do this most amazing work, all the pain and trial bond us to that child in a way I'm not sure that we can always comprehend. On a very small scale it reminds me of the great sacrifice of our Savior. At those moments when you just want to crawl into a ball and disappear, losing sight of the end reward, it is hard to maintain a positive attitude. It is hard not to feel sorry for oneself and fall into despair. Somehow I need to though. Remembering the suffering that my savior went through for me and the suffering I am going through for this piece of heaven is the most wonderful kind of labor, a labor of love.