It has been months. But tonight I actually got out for a run, and I was reminded that I LOVE to run - especially when the sun is shining . . .
. . . And, I get to run in an incredibly beautiful part of the world.
I should have known not to run right after eating a big dinner, but the sun was out and Darren encouraged me to go, so I went. I couldn't run as fast or as far as I could a few months ago. In fact I was as slow as molasses and my knees gave out way before I did. Instead of the dull ache that I could push through last year, this time it was a definite pain that forced me to stop running on the way home and walk. Nevertheless, I will persist (carefully and with much strength training) for the love of the thing. I need to remember that as hard as it is to get out there sometimes, I ALWAYS feel better once I do. I love what running teaches me about myself. I may never run marathons, my knees may never allow it. I am a fair weather runner, the sunshine is definitely a big part of the enjoyment for me. I am not a superstar, I am doing only the best I can do . . . and I am perfectly okay with it all! I compare myself, not to other runners, but to where I was before I started and what I thought I was capable of.
"That's the thing about running: your greatest runs are rarely measured by racing success.
They are moments in time when running allows you to see how wonderful your life is."
Feeling anything but pretty in my ponytail and sweatpants, I smile and tell her that being pretty on the inside is more important than being pretty on the outside.
She smiles back and touches my cheek.
Day after day, week after week, we exchange these words, always the same.
But today, instead of spilling forth a well worn response, I stop.
I hear what she is saying, but what is she telling me? What is she trying to communicating that I am missing?
I don't feel beautiful.
When children stomp away in anger and doors are slammed, when my soft mother heart feels tight, and words have sharp edges, when the house seems to be coming undone all around me, I don't feel beautiful.
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It is raining outside.
I do not want to go.
Yet.......
I tie up shoes, turn up the music, and head out the door.
I run.
I run and I worry.
I worry: do children know I love them, that I want the best for them? Do they know how my heart aches as I keep pushing through, not knowing all the answers, simply hoping that they come when the need is greatest?
What is one to do when your heart is broken into a thousand pieces and tears fill your eyes, when children hurt bigger than a cookie and a bandaid can mend, when bones are weary yet still more is required, when times are tough and means seem thin, when sleep and peace feel an Island across the ocean away.
These muscles are stiff. It has been too long since last time.
I feel the sting of the run.
Yet.....
Worry fades as muscles warm. It is me and the road. One foot in front of the other, and I just go. Life becomes clearer in running shoes. Answers come - ideas - inspiration. My body lets go and my mind takes over. And then it comes. When I run I am mom, I am wife, I am writer, reader, teacher, friend, leader, athlete, Christian, gardner, sewer, sister. A crazy mix of everything that is good and right with my life. There are no losers out here. I feel powerful, strong, humble, grateful, hopeful but most of all . . . happy, and my soul is fed.
The sun sets and dusk spreads its grey long upon the land as I climb the hill to home. Lights twinkle as I approach the house. Balloons float across the lighted windows as children give chase, careful not to let them drop.
When they do they are quickly picked right back up again and the game resumes.
How much I learn from these children. Pick it back up is the lesson. Pick it right back up and continue on.
I finally see what she has known all along. I am pretty to her just because I am me and I love her. It has nothing to do with hair styles or colored skinnies. She loves me because I offer her all the love I can, day after day, through failure and weakness, I pick life and little ones back up and carry on in love. And that is all she needs. In the end it is she who is teaching me the lesson I thoughtIwas here to teach. When she speaks of pretty she speaks of who I am, not how I look.
As I look from the outside in at my life, I can see it. I am pretty to these people, the only ones that matter, because everytime I leave I come back. I step back in the game day after day, even when the odds of success seem out of favor, I love on, and when I feel nothing but ugly inside she is there to remind me of who I really am, and nothing could be prettier than that.
This was my first time making pumpkin pie from scratch, pastry and filling - both turned out great.
As it has been getting colder and darker in the mornings running has almost become extinct for me. With that has come the self-doubt. I could feel my resolve to run the half marathon fading way. I began to talk myself out of it. After all, I am not a runner. I couldn't really finish something like that. I didn't really want to do it anyway. Or so I told myself. Maybe I was afraid that it was true, so wouldn't it be better if I rationalized my way out first? Then the oddest coincidence happened. While we were eating Thanksgiving dinner Sunday night at our friends house, their neighbors were there as well and it just so happened that the neighbor friend had just run a half marathon that very day! I asked her lots of questions and felt my mind fill back up with inspiration that maybe I could do this. It was time!
(my warm-up companion and I stretching - every time, there she is by my side!)
Monday morning (which was BEAUTIFUL) I tied up my laces and stepped out the door.
I took my phone and told Darren I would call him to come and pick me up when I was done. I wanted to try out a new route and I wasn't sure how far I would get.
I never did call him. I made it all the way - 17.3 km around the lake. I can barely believe I actually did it. Remember, I am not a runner, I run, but that is not the same thing. I have come to the conclusion that being a runner is a title, a state of being, a condition of the heart. I am not a runner, not yet anyhow. I want to be fit, the means wherewith I obtain that purpose certainly does not begin or end with running. But.......for now..... I run! My knees, my poor knees. They gave out before anything else. The rest of me was okay, not a blister to be found. I feel such a sense of accomplishment. I feel as though, no matter how long it took me, I know I could run that half marathon, and to me, that means more than I could express.
I am so thankful for family and friends, this beautiful place I get to live in and run around, yummy food,
and a strong body and mind that I can push farther that I ever thought possible.
Today I give thanks.
Many people are asking how the running is going. So I just thought I would tell you - it is going really well. I cannot believe it. I would never have thought it - I love running.
The only problem has been my knees, well that and I am pretty sure that I have asthma. I am working on that with my doctor. Back to my knees - I have been asking everyone and anyone who runs if this is normal, and what I can do (I thought for sure it would be my feet, but so far they holding up really well). I have received all kinds of advice, for which I am thankful.
I happened to be able to talk with a medical professional last night at a social event. After he asked me how the running was going (he has seen me on the road) I felt safe to ask him what he thought about my knees. He said that it doesn't sound like I am doing damage, and he recommended that I try a few simple exercises to help strengthen the muscles around my knees. He thinks with some help they will be just fine. Another piece of advice I have received is to simply run less. I went for a run this morning, after taking a three day break, and doing other forms of exercise. I think I experienced runners high for the first time ever! It was the most fantastic feeling. I was able to run faster than I have been able to so far (which is still slow, but an improvemnet for me), AND I was able to run all the way up our killer hill, which just so happens to be uphill on the way home, at the end of my run. I didn't think I would ever see the day.
So with some knee strengthening exercises and running only 2 or 3 times a week and cross training with a variety of other things in between, I think my running will only improve.
"May I speak, not to the slackers in the kingdom, but to those who carry their load and more;
not to those lulled into false security, but to those buffeted by false insecurity,
who, though labouring devotedly in the kingdom, have recurring feelings of falling forever short....
...the first thing to be said of this feeling of inadequacy is that it is normal."
Elder Neal A. Maxwell
~ Soul Surfer. Seen it? I cannot watch that movie without shedding a tear. Bethany Hamilton is beyond words inspiring. And even more than that, so was her family. I watched this movie from two perspectives. First, through Bethany's eyes. Would I have the courage and strength to do what she did after facing what she faced? Secondly, would I have been able to help my child through a trail such as that?
~ I have been running 3-5 times a week for the past 3 weeks. I feel a sense of determination - I am going to run the half-marathon next year in Seattle. I am not an natural athlete. I am afraid. I have moments when I feel like I can do this. I can push myself. But then there are those moments when I am running, and I feel tired and I don't think I will ever be able to run for 21 kilometers. I would much rather speak in front of hundreds of people than run a half marathon. What if I can't finish? What if it rains? What if it is blistering hot? What if..? What if...? What if...? Some may ask, "Why are you doing it then?" It is exactly the fear that is the reason. Too often I let it take over my life. I am one of thousands of people who will run. This may not be a big deal to many people. But it means something to me. It means that I can something I never, ever thought I could do. What I need to remember is that I don't have to run 21 kilometers right now, nor do I need to worry about it. I just have to do the 5 or 7 or 10 that I am doing at that moment. I can do that.
~ The other day I lost my patience with a child of mine. Please don't misunderstand - this is not an anomaly, but I felt particularly sad about this episode. I immediately wanted to go back in time. I knew the right thing to do and it would have been so simple. I wanted a chance to do it. I could not go back, however. I was mad though, not at the child, but myself. I know better. I truly believe that there is no reason to ever lose my temper at my children. As much as this may be true it is, of course, not a realistic possibility. I am human. I will make mistakes. I will not always do everything, say everything, or be everything that these children need. All I can do is learn from these experiences, and take that knowledge on to the next opportunity, which would surely arise soon enough. I must forgive myself, learn, and move forward. It is the forgiving I have a hard time with, and it is hard to move on without taking that first step of forgiving oneself.
~ I have been listening to an audio book about finding joy in our lives. The author makes this statement, "The devil was able to take things God meant for my good and turn them into torment." The moment I heard these words it all became clear. These tests and trails that I face are meant for good. Logically, I already knew this part of things. But instead of letting God work his miracles in and through me, to create his kind of vision with my life I let Satan take these experiences and turn them into torment with all the could haves, should haves, and not good enoughs. How often do I let my mind be turned to the negative? How often do I dwell on what I could have done differently? This is true in my parenting, my relationships with others, and even my running.
You see it is not about the race, nor is it an issue of parenting. It is about what I believe about myself. When I listen to God and let him into my life, into the very center of my heart to do his work, I begin to believe in myself, and all that I can be through him. It is in the power to choose. I begin to see, contrary to what Satan would have me believe, I can do this. All of it. Step by step. Little by little. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually I will reach that finish line. Like in life I need not worry about the miles I still have left ahead of me, I just need to take one step, one day at a time.
"The adversary knows that if he can prevent us from recognizing our divine potential, he will have scored a major victory."
Elder Baxter
This is my most favorite song to run to.
When it comes up on my play list it doesn't matter how tired I am, I feel like I can run further and faster. It makes me believe in myself. But it is more than just about me, even. It turns my mind to others. We all have struggles and dreams. We never know what another is going through, and maybe even more importantly we don't know what dreams and hopes their hearts hold. We each have the responsibility to help one another believe in and achieve those goals. We can do such damage with our cold shoulders. But, by simply seeing the best in others we can make a difference. We are, like it or not, our brothers keeper.
"We ourselves feel that what we are doing is just a drop in the ocean. But the ocean would be less because of that missing drop."
Mother Teresa
It is not just a matter of self-confidence, but one of humility. Even if we have the confidence, maintaing a healthy sense of humility is so important. Realizing where every breath we take and every day we have comes from, will make us stronger, in so many ways.
Running a half-marathon is not an easy thing to do. It is going to take dedication, commitment, sacrifice, and sheer will power. I watched a good friend do it this year. It was truly inspiring.
Raising socially responsible, happy, hardworking, God-fearing citizens is no small feat. I feel the responsibility of this. I must do the best I can. This is my task.
Again, this is not about running or parenting. It is about getting inspired to do something hard, something that may scare you. It is about finding that confidence, and gaining that humility that God will help you in all things. It is about dreams and fears. We all have them. I will no longer let my fears stand in the way of my dreams and prevent me from becoming stronger than I am today. I will not listen to the critics, even, and most especially, if that critic is in my own mind. I will not let others drag me down. I will try my best to buoy others up.
"We must remember that we did not come to this earth to gain our worth - we brought it with us."
Ardeth Kapp
I hope for all who read this that you may follow that dream you hold secret. God believes in you. He will make weak things strong. He will propel us forward. We must believe in ourselves.
"I testify that no one of us is less treasured of God than another. I testify that He loves each of us -
insecurities, anxieties, self-image and all. He doesn't measure our talents or our looks;
He doesn't remember our professions or our possessions.
He cheers on every runner, calling out that the race is against sin, not against each other."
So everyone is asking how it is going - it is not. I have decided that I REALLY don't like it. I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something hard, something I didn't want to do, and that I did. So instead of feeling badly about this I have decided that it is a good thing. I tried, and I did, and I found something I don't like to do. On to the next!
I love to fence. I love to play tennis. I love to row. I love Tae Bo. So I choose to do these things. I am a really firm believer that everyone should find out what they love to do and do it! How else will this be accomplished except by trial and error.
There are already too many things in life that I have to do that I don't enjoy. If I am going to spend precious time away from my family doing things for myself - it better be for something I love. If you love to run, RUN! I support you all the way! If you do not, find out what you do like to do and do it!
Today was hard. I did not want to run.
6.4 km in 50 minutes. I think I will stick with this distance for a while and work on shortening the time and lengthening the running segments. Right now it is approximately 50% walking 50% running.
I did feel stronger today. This, I think, is a good sign! I was getting pretty bad running cramps, which I am sure is due to 2 things - lack of water and lack of oxygen. I drank before I ran today and the cramps were much better, but my post 5 pregnancies bladder was not so co-operative and I had to stop twice for a bathroom break (good thing the washrooms are right there). The lack of oxygen part is a little more tricky. I have ever since I was 18 had a breathing problem, nothing serious so I have not done much about it after my first attempt at going to the doctors and trying to figure it out. He told me that it could be anything. End of story. This was not my regular family doctor, just a drop in clinic in the transition of moving cities. I cannot do as they say and breath in through my nose and out through my mouth while exercising. This has always been the case. I cannot expand my lungs enough to take in enough air. I have to breath in through my mouth as well as out. I will be talking to my wonderful family doctor about this next week when I go and see him. More information than you probably care to know about me, but I want to chart my progress and see the improvement in different areas.
Oh, and I would love to find some super good runners.
Please feel free to skip this post (and all future chronicles) if you find it boring. This is for my remembrance.
I took Wednesday off, but I ran again today (by running I mean run/jog/walk, whatever I can manage really!). This time my mom and my sister-in-law, Julianne came with me. 5.6 km - that is 3.5 miles for my southern friends. But I'll stick with km, it just sounds like more!
(and for the record I am not 1 of those people who enjoy this. It is pure torture - but the satisfaction of pushing myself and the feeling of accomplishment afterwards is worth it all.)
4.8 km today. Now I am off to take the hottest bath in history - if I can make it up the stairs that is!
As my children say, "It is harder that it looks". Hats off to all my runner friends out there!
Today was the day for me to start doing something I have never had the desire to do before. Running, that is. I packed a bag with snacks and a blanket, piled all the kiddo's in the van, tied up my shoes and drove to the track. I was interested to see how it would all work out, with 5 kids in tow that is. It was so great! With a fence running around the whole perimeter of the track, a playground inside the fence, and my older children helping, everyone was kept safe and happy. They sat on the blanket and ate. They played on the playground. They ran/walked with me! They cheered me on, and we all had a wonderful time. I ran/walked 4.4 km, which is not a lot for some, but it is more than nothing, which is my record so far! I am actually excited about going again tomorrow!
