You just know, ya know

Thursday, August 19, 2010

4 years ago I asked everyone in sight (my close friends who I knew were done having babies), "How do you know when you are done, really done?" To which they all said, "You just know!" That didn't help me at all. I wanted to KNOW! and I didn't. The problem was I wanted to be done - because I felt too old, because I felt too tired, because I felt too weak to survive another pregnancy. Not because I didn't want a brand new, perfect little baby straight from heaven - I will never be done wanting that. The problem was I wasn't done. Darren and I knew, without a doubt that there was another little girl that was meant just for us, for our family and her presence could be felt from the other side. She was ours already and always, from the beginning. This is something that I have felt with each of our children, but as our family got bigger, the promptings got stronger. It was as if He was telling me, "I know your tired but this will be so good for you. This will make you really happy. Don't stop yet!"
So we took a leap of faith. We leaped into the unknown, as everyone does every time they welcome a new addition into their families. We had hope that somehow we would get through the debilitating first few months of pregnancy, that somehow we would be strong enough to care for 5 kids, that somehow we would have enough energy to get up at night again, that somehow things would just work out.
We did make it through. Some days were hard, some days were good, and somehow she made it here - perfect and pink and ever so sweet! Since her birth she has brought nothing but joy. We needed her, all of us. There is no question in my mind that I was meant to have every one of the children I now have. As much as I can try and plan out my life, sometimes God has another plan, and I will always be grateful for the tender mercies of a loving Father in heaven that knows what I need better that I do.
I had a dream last night that I had another baby. It was a perfect little boy, beautiful and sweet, but it did not feel right. I questioned in my dream what had happened. Nya had been our perfect end to the family that was perfect for us. Another baby was not part of the plan. Then I woke up and breathed a sigh of relief as I realized that it was only a dream.
The first few months of Nya's life I have never felt better.  But I also felt baby hungry. Now in hindsight I am able to see what that was - a realization that Nya was our last and that she was growing all too quickly and that I had only a very short time left with a baby in my arms. It is very bittersweet, the end of those child bearing years, but I know, I KNOW that we are done - absolutely and completely. And it is a peaceful place to be.
So I am here to tell all of you that may be wondering, Am I done?, you will just know, ya know. And if you don't know, it's probably not over yet. I hope you will recognize that as divine guidance that someone super special, that is meant just for you, is waiting for their turn!

1 comment:

  1. I loved this post. You are a very thoughtful person who is very good at writing. It is sad for me that we live in a time that is so busy. I would love to live back in the time of Little House on the Prairie and have dozens of children. I would love to have more babies but with the way we live it would be unfair for everyone. I would not be able to be the mother I want to be. So my brain tells me I am done not my heart.